action resulting from motivation vs. intention...

My mind has been on my previous post as well as the fact that I haven't posted here in over a year. It strikes me so that the thought keep rolling around in my head: I haven't posted in over a year- close to a year and a half, actually. I never intended to let my blog go for so long, but so much has happened since I last discussed my life that this truly did slip way down on my priority list and many times when I thought about posting a new entry, I really had no desire to do so; I just didn't have the emotional energy that I felt I needed to get into deeply personal topics. I certainly wasn't planning on resuming blog entries with a rant, but it ended up happening anyway. At this point, I should talk about what has been happening in all this time and get everything up to date because I actually have set aside things that I did want to eventually share and discuss.
Anyone reading far enough back or who knows me personally will recall that my grandmother passed away in 2008 and my grandfather passed away in 2009. Things are still not fully reconciled, but have been mostly reconciled at this point. There has also been a great emotional and physical drain that accompanied it- both a conscious and subconscious shutting down that I imagine are part of the grieving process as well as depression, from which I already suffer.
At the end of 2009, My laptop died. It was brand new and I was stymied. At this point in time, I still have yet to get it repaired. I have not had what I considered an adequate opportunity to do so. My mother's laptop also foozed out, but repair was an easier process so it has already been repaired as of this past summer. My even newer desktop took a dive recently and while most of everything is ok, there are a few cosmetic damages and it is not economically feasible to get it repaired, which was a major disappointment to me.
Last year welcomed a new lunar year for the tiger, which I was rather psyched about because I was born during the year of the tiger and usually am hopeful of things looking better than usual in the coming year- not that I take it to particularly seriously, but it did give me a little fuel for hope. Well, things did not look up. I got food poisoning on my birthday. It was so bad that I suffered for months afterward, but as bad as my mother, who was ill for eight weeks at the beginning of the year and nearly lost her job as a result of being out for so long.
I also came to the unpleasant realization that I had acute hypertension; my blood pressure was so sky high that I literally thought I was going to die one weekend just before I sought medical help.I'm not much for doctors as I have had very few positive experiences with them and I no longer have medical insurance and have to pay for everything out of my unemployed pocket which already receives no financial aid whatsoever. Therefore, resigning to do this was a big step for me.
Additionally, I ended up having yet another root canal last year and I am already anticipating needing one for this year as well. I have started to lose count, but I think this will be number 11 for me. It seems mt grandmother's dental issues may have been genetic and the torch has now been passed on to me, as it were.
Speaking of medical issues, I also had another session with kidney stones this past year. Eventually I ended up going to the emergency room for help. Based on my descriptions, their tests, and what I eventually passed afterward, it would seem that I passed seven stones inside a two week period. To say the least, I was wiped out for a long time afterward.
I finally found a new doctor that I like who is local to me who genuinely takes an interest in my health and can relate to many of my situations. In the same medical center I have also found specialists who may be able to tend to my various other needs as well as a dentist in the adjoining level below. This gives me a sense of hope that I might be able to get more of my needs tended to, which haven't received treatment in literally years.
With things finally shaping up for my health, I am looking into resuming many old projects I had set aside, such as fixing my car, getting the heating and air conditioning fixed, possibly replacing the water boiler as well, and a lot of other minor tasks because let's face it, my grandparents' house was already old when we moved in and these things all needed tending to anyway. I also have projects for my room including building a bathroom and kitchen in the adjoining area because I would like to make my area more apartment-like and self-sustainable. Also on my list is doing things to resume working in music, including refinishing and upgrading my guitar, a 1965 Fender Musicmaster II. I am saving the older components for posterity. I am trying to keep it as original as possible, wherever it hasn't sustained damages from time and previous users.
This all having been said, I hope to continue the year with more interesting posts to intrigue and amuse. May the year of the rabbit be better than the tiger. So far it has been a rocky start- my mother has been to the emergency room twice two weeks ago for various problems.

fewer posts often indicate a busy mind...

...or at least it is often what my situation is.

typically, i might have had an entry last month in regards to my birthday and my various insights toward life and whatnot- believe me, there was (and still is) plenty to write about. i could have even even had a post at easter for similar reasons. perhaps because there has been so much transpiring on an emotional level that I just couldn't bring myself to start writing and it's in the advent of seeing so little entered recently that i finally feel compelled to the point of writing.

my birthday passed without a word, literally. i had fought with family enough that nothing happened on that day. no words were exchanged at all. it took mentioning my birthday online for strangers and a few friends and extended family to whom i barely speak to actually comment at all. i'm sure a few were sincere in their wishes, but it irked me that automated reminders weren't enough- i actually had to prompt people via wishing myself a happy birthday. i found out the next day a few presents were waiting for me, but i hadn't been told of this nor was i really in a present opening mood by that point.

because my grandfather's health has been deteriorating rapidly -- especially since my grandmother passed away -- i felt my family should be with him. i've already discussed this concept in previous posts so i won't bother with all the various details, except to say that my mother's ex is an absolute pig and i was dismayed we had to rely on him for transportation and subsequently his presence at our little family event. he got presents and to eat dinner and eat all the leftover meat and was still displeased about being there- not that he had any better offers because he did not. unfortunately, my uncle and cousin were unable to attend due to schedule conflicts, but my uncle said they would be able to come two weeks after that (yes, they will be in town this evening and we will all gather tomorrow for dinner). i would also like to get my great uncle more involved in our family. i think making invitations only on holidays is a back-handed compliment. i would like to see him during other times of the year which have no importance whatsoever. he is a special man to me regardless of his profession or familial relation. i simply enjoy his presence and i feel like i never get to see him enough. i am trying to get him more involved. i don't know how all this will pan out, but i am hoping for the best.

so there you have most of the familial junk going on, but there is more (oh no), but i won't get into it for now (oh phew). what i will mention is that two of my best friends, who quite ironically share the same first name, are both having very difficult times in life right now. one is emotionally unstable to very serious proportions and is having troubles arriving at her goal of marriage. the other is having serious troubles with her marriage and has been emotionally affected by most of her family passing away over the course of the past decade or so. so even their situations are ever so slightly flip-flopped as well. neither one talks to me much anymore, but when they do the alway seem to have a boat load of bad news. it's sad to hear such things from friends. i wish i could help them. as it is i can barely help myself...

maybe i will have something better to offer next time i write. the best i can do now is say that i am still interested in all things japanese and my studies are actually showing results. i have a small investment which isn't doing as much as i would like so i am considering not renewing it into rollover, but rather using some portion of it to advance aspects of my life. at my age, progressing at a snail's pace is an extremely poor option for me and i need to feel some personal growth and development because right now i am feeling very little.

back-words... funeral...

*** i wrote this after 10pm. it was a hell of a day. since my dog, pogo, has separation anxiety due to being weened from his mother much too early and because i think of him as family, it was my choice to bring him along rather than leave him at home. my great uncle conducted the memorial and funeral services. i wasn't allowed in with pogo and i wasn't going to leave him in the car alone. so we stood outside of the chapel while the memorial service was conducted. later we went to the plot where the funeral service itself was conducted. there was no wake; the casket was closed. there was no tombstone present at the time; it wasn't ready yet. afterward some cemetery authorities shooed us away rudely several times. we couldn't even see her lowered into the ground. i had wanted to light incense at her grave, but circumstances didn't allow for it then.
since then, i have slowly eased my way back into doing things. some things still remain. i had been researching buying a new car to replace my current 14 year old car, but that will have to wait even longer. i had also looked into schools to resume and complete education so i could make a career shift/adjustment, but at this point i'm not sure if its time to resume that effort quite yet since i scratched the other cornea this month. i have resumed studying japanese, but i need to study more diligently.
time is no longer on my side for certain things, and yet i still feel like i need more time. i always felt more comfortable about moving on when there is nothing left to leave behind, but it's hard to move on when you are also leaving things behind. what concretely marks a point of separation/moving on, or is there even such a point in every situation? lately i think maybe such a point doesn't always exist and you have to make one for yourself while forging your way. i think maybe that has always been a difficult thing for me to do.

July 25, 2008
funeral...
today was my grandmother's funeral. it was a difficult day for many in different ways. i came home and crashed afterward yet i am still tired... tomorrow my family celebrates my uncle's birthday early before he and my cousin leave town to return home. i should find some time to talk to her since we almost never have that opportunity. next week, i should think about easing my way back into life and routine again. what a long strange trip its been...

back-words... jung at heart...

*** there will definitely be more on this later. i have about 4 different results on the jung myers briggs personality test- most saying i, not e, but i am sure i feel a little e in me...

April 9, 2008
jung at heart...
why i dont test the same every time, i dont know. however i do have my suspicions the tests just arent adequate enough to fine tune the gray areas- now jung says im an enfj, however i know while i may have occasional social tendencies, i vastly prefer remaining home. go figure- an introverted former raver who still works with music...

back-words... coming of age...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008
coming of age...
have you ever thought about the concept of coming of age? most people have and many have gone through some sort of ceremony that recognizes them as an adult, or at least having reached a certain level of maturity. many cultures and religions practice this rite. debutantes, bar/bat mitzvahs, seijin no hi... these are just a few ways young adults are recognized to have come of age.

what about the rest of us who don't undergo some ceremony? does it really matter? would everyone be better off psychologically speaking if they could be recognized ceremonially to have come of age? well, it certainly wouldn't hurt and the chances are that it might improve the results of how many might lead their lives (versus their lives leading them).

i never had any such ceremony other than birthdays, which i never felt were particularly critical to assessing where i was in life- that is, until i reached my mid-twenties and then i started to pay a little more attention to how things were going and what i was accomplishing. when i was 18, i had to sign up for selective service, which meant i became old enough to die for my country if that was what my government decided. however, i was still not yet old enough to legally drink alcohol (in a non-religious setting). in my state, virginia, i was also old enough to legally have consensual sex and vote. so i was a man and yet i still had limitations as to what i could and couldn't do. at 16 i became legally allowed to have a license to operate a motor vehicle, personally i didn't get mine until i was in my mid to late twenties. at 21 i finally could drink alcohol legally and yet it was anticlimactic as i felt like it was long since overdue. all these things together seem to sum up adulthood, as with them comes greater responsibilities, and yet they are broken down into three critical stages that are separated by a great deal of time.

this made me realize that the world had very little regard for my coming of age. as a classmate in high school said, "if i am going to be old enough to die for my country, i would like to have a drink first." it may seem silly to some, but considering that alcohol is undeniably an adult beverage which most children don't even like the flavor, most feel special when they are finally allowed to have their first beer (or other alcoholic beverage).

while growing up, i had jewish friends who went through their rite of passage. in high school, i knew a girl who became a debutante. some families decide to give their kids a small celebration in honor of graduating high school, others give it when they have completed college. some families don't do anything, ever. i never really went through a process that officially declared me as a man religiously or socially. my family celebrated my birthday, but it just felt like any other day, even though i was allowed to have an alcoholic beverage. personally, alcohol never made me feel like an adult and i had tried it on several occasions before. i recognize alcohol to be more ceremonial and social, not a major milestone in my life.

no thing or person ever declared a defining point where i was suddenly a man, or even an adult. i picked up responsibilities, jobs, dealt with difficult issues on my own, but never felt a defining point where i had suddenly come of age. yet somewhere along the line it happened, or did it? sure, legally i meet all of the qualifications, but does that really mean i have come of age? nothing spectacular happened to signify it.

because of various personal issues, a lot of things did not transpire in my life as even i would have anticipated. i never completed college yet i have spent 6-7 years in 4 colleges. i never lived away from home yet i have traveled on my own on several occasions. i do not own or rent my own home as i have spent all my time living with my mother or my grandparents. i am not married as a 5+ year long relationship failed and completely shook my world. i have no children. i am no longer employed due to several problems including depression, scratched cornea with complications, and 2 back surgeries also with complications. not to mention 2 years ago, i moved again and i am still with my mother even though i live on a separate floor in what is still considered my grandparents' house even though they no longer live here. it feels a little like an apartment, but i have no bathroom nor kitchen on my floor, nor can i access the outside from my floor although i have a pretty sweet fireplace next to my bed which i've never had before.

i have no way of affording things on my own financially and have to rely on the sometimes financially available kindness of my mother. i owe her a great deal. in some ways i feel like i am less of an adult now than i was in my twenties since i was more self-sufficient then and fairly dependent now.

i work hard on a dream of becoming a dj and producer. most of my work has never seen any monetary compensation. i have done these things for years and even more earnestly in recent years. i dj on the radio, though usually it is online only. i have a modest discography that has seen substantial popularity via online downloads, yet not a soul has purchased any of them. i had a created a record label which folded after about a year when the hosting company folded and i lacked finances to rebuild something that had no fiscal motion. i would like to resurrect that label again.

so have i come of age? yes, somewhere in time i suppose i did and yet i never realized it. like love, it is hard to define as it is more conceptual than material. imaginably if i had gone through some traditional ceremony to announce my coming of age, i might have felt different psychologically, but that didn't happen and anything past that act is simply speculation, even if signs indicate that does make a difference in a person's life.

in the mean time, i live at home, with family, single, broke, and without regular income from an employer. regardless, i continue to try to make things work on my own in the best way i know how. this year, i turn 34 on march 28th.