another blog account bites the dust...

On 2/24/11, I got the following email:

Dear MyBlogLog Customer,

You have been identified as a customer of Yahoo! MyBlogLog. We will officially discontinue Yahoo! MyBlogLog effective May 24, 2011. Your agreement with Yahoo!, to the extent that it applies to the Yahoo! MyBlogLog, will terminate on May 24, 2011.

After May 24, 2011 your credit card will no longer be charged for premium services on MyBlogLog. We will refund you the unused portion of your subscription, if any. The refund will appear as a credit via the billing method we have on file for you. To make sure that your billing information is correct and up to date, visit https://billing.yahoo.com.

Questions?
If you have questions about these changes, please visit the Yahoo! MyBlogLog help pages.

We thank you for being a customer on Yahoo! MyBlogLog.

Sincerely,
The Yahoo! MyBlogLog Team

-----

I was linked to this for various networking reasons though I barely used it directly, however there has come a time to say goodbye to yet another blog, group of online contacts, and a decent networking resource. I enjoyed having it while it was available and enjoyed gaining new acquaintances, too. It seems a shame that Yahoo, has been slowly removing a lot of resources over the years and it gives me pause to wonder if the Microsoft merger had any influence on these actions. Regardless of cause, I am reminded that nothing lasts forever...

digital transition...

I recall this supposed to be taking full effect quite a while ago, but instead it seems a lot of parties have broken the transition into smaller steps which always seems to leave me a step behind. With everything that has been happening to me in the past, it's not much of a surprise that I am not completely ready for it, yet it seems I must catch up to some extent before it's too late. I received notice in the mail from Comcast that March third is my cutoff point to acquire free equipment to fully adapt to the new digital transition. I still have yet to unpack my new tv and hook up various other new equipment to make sure that I have everything I already need. I didn't want to needlessly acquire anything I didn't need. Of course my latest setbacks have been my mother getting sick so frequently this month as well as my root canal, but I am trying to make things ready, including assembling an a/v center and wall mount for my new tv. This also means removing the old tv cabinet that has sat in the same place for about 40 years or so as well as the dead tv within. I look forward to seeing things finished. I have a lot to set up and several consoles I have yet to use and enjoy for the first time. I think this is one change in my life that I can be happy about...

valentine's day...

What other topic would I have for today? Wait, scratch that; it could have been anything, really... I was looking for some good information to talk about, but decided in the end I would simply redirect you to Wiki for the details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day They had plenty that I was not aware of as well as plenty that I already knew. My particular interest grew in the "Similar days honoring love" section, particularly Japan. If you hadn't realized by now, I enjoy learning about Japanese culture. So with that I bid everyone a happy Valentine's Day...

masterful escapees...

Some people are animal lovers and some aren't. I used to not understand this, but over the years I am slowly beginning to see some reasons why some animals would not be liked very much. My mother is an animal lover and has had various pets over the years. I also like animals, but slowly I see myself appreciating animals more which are in the wild or owned by other people. I dig my dog, but even he can get under my skin from time to time. It also doesn't help that I think I have been developing minor allergies to animals such as birds and little critters, which brings me to the subject to which my title refers.

My mother has a couple tiny hamsters. They are teeny tiny and very cute. I doubt they weigh an ounce, soaking wet. These little escape artists manage to get out of their cage and adventure the world known as our home. It's never noticed and we can't tell how they get out because there are no signs of where or how they departed from their cage. Worse yet, they can and have disappeared for days at a time until they are found quite by accident. Even more astounding is the fact that there were previous pet hamsters that escaped and were never found again- and they were bigger! How do they do it? Houdini would be in awe. I certainly am. Time will only tell what will happen to our current escapees...

sorry, friends and sorry friends...

Two things have been on my mind lately concerning friendships that I have and no longer have. The first is that maybe I am not always the best friend I can possibly be, but then again who is. We are all only human and make mistakes. The second is that some people cannot maintain a friendship and hurt someone as a result of their choices. As I go on, you will understand how one is different from the other and while one is somewhat forgivable, the other seems less so.

When I make a friend, I will be casual in my attitude because I choose to let myself be comfortable in their presence, while I can also be very polite for other people (who usually are much younger or older than I am) and I will do my best to communicate with them so long as I am not bogged down by depression or whatever. When there are long spaces of time between communication, I try to initiate a conversation whenever I feel good about things and I will apologize for not talking sooner. If someone initiates a conversation with me, then I make sure to reply as quickly as possible; I don't want someone feeling ignored or disliked.

Sometimes life gets wonky and people get even wonkier. Some folks can't handle that, which is fine, but they should say so instead of arbitrarily ignoring messages and so forth; that is rude and hurtful. Some folks may need a little space to deal with things, but they shouldn't just ignore those who try to reach them as that is also rude. When times get hard, leave a metaphorical "out to lunch" sign so that others realize you are not a supreme oxygen thief.

I have not always been the most communicative or stable friend around and I apologize to all my friends for being that way. Hopefully they are the forgiving sort. Some have not, which has in the long run made some good friendships and/or relationships go sour. I do my best when I can and apologize when I haven't. I think it's the fair thing to do. When people don't do that, it is frustrating and annoying. This is a main reason why I employ the three strikes policy. After the third screw-up or failed attempt to make things right, I walk away. I cannot perpetually spend my life subjecting myself to those who ignore or hurt me (and never seek forgiveness). I have to have at least an ounce of pride and protect myself from such behaviors when and where I see fit. Hopefully I have made that choice correctly when I have done as such...

i am packrat...

Yes, I admit it. I am a packrat and come from a line of packrats (among other things). I save sentimental stuff as well as the useful stuff that everyone else should also be saving, but among this sentimental stuff is a lot of garbage and every so many years I need to go and sift through it all and see what still holds any interest to me and throw away (gasp!) what doesn't.
Some people collect stamps or wine labels, while others have fascinations in other fields. Mine is probably music, but that's not what I am about to get into today. I was inspired from wine label collecting to keep some of my favorite limited edition bottles and cans. Some of you may recall that in 2006, Coca-Cola released a limited edition beverage called Blak, which was essentially a fusion of Coke and coffee. I happened to love this drink and yet I only ever obtained a single 4-pack due to availability problems. I thought it was great and I thought it would be great if I fused it further with Kahlua (yes, drooling is permitted). Unfortunately, this product was never resumed and I wish it had been. Recently I was scouring through my, uhm, keepsakes (I'm really trying not to sound like Golem referring to his Precious) and found that I had kept the only 4-pack I ever had, complete with paperboard holder. Curious to see if I could find any news about a resurgence of this drink, I started Googling and discovered that it was still gone and that only individuals were selling anything related. I saw some official Coke Blak glass tumblers, an empty sleeve, empty bottles, and full bottles that were still sealed. Yuck, someone is probably going to get ill if they try to drink that because drinks expire after time and when they get even older they start to separate. I've seen a lot of beverages go bad and I wonder if these sellers even know the potential harm in what they are doing. Yes, I would love some, but not a single five-year-old 8 fluid oz. bottle for $15 or more. That's insane...

no gaijin allowed...

I got this t-shirt a while back. Why? Why else? It's funny yet somewhat accurate in its sentimental expression. A place that prevent a race -- any race -- from patronizing an establishment has got some screwy racist policies which are outdated, regardless of reason. It's worse than segregation when you won't even allow someone's presence because of their physical cultural heritage. The sad thing is it's all borne out of hate and fear. I really don't want to be hated and/or feared so to any physical characteristic and yet I know it has happened to me before. I love the t-shirt. My only regret is that the printed design is not larger...

it's just one of those things, baby...

I saw this used for a travel article and was quite taken with it. Sometimes you would like to get lost or tell someone else to get lost. Well there it was, right in my face telling me to get lost. So I did- lost in creative thought, that is. Sometimes I like to use various phrases, stickers, and whatnot for collage art when doing posters or album cover art so this seemed really appealing to me. Even if I don't use it, it still tickles my funny bone...

health, health, and more health...

...or the lack thereof.
this month has seen more immediate medical needs than i care to see in a year. two weeks ago, i had to get a root canal- asap! yes, i have been putting off some dental work for over a couple years, but i had been managing pain control relatively well and then all of a sudden i could no longer manage it and i was tending to it practically on a minute by minute basis. i guess one tooth in particular just couldn't withstand anymore, so started coaxing my family to help me out with dental expenses, transportation, and that sort of thing. finally, i got an appointment and like magic the worst of it was over, however i am still suffering as a result of putting it off for so long (bone inflammation is slow to recuperate).
last friday saw a completely unexpected health matter. i spent the night at the emergency room to learn i had a kidney stone. i was in pain like i had never felt before and i cant remember the last time i was so ill. fortunately i don't have an infection, but it took forever til i was able to supply a specimen for analysis. i was fairly dehydrated although their charts didn't indicate it. i might add i am glad i didn't have to coax people into helping me with this situation. as it was i had suffered for hours before my mother got home from work. fortunately the hospital they took me to was pretty awesome (as far as that sort of thing is concerned) and i hope that if i have an emergency again that i am fortunate enough to go there.
now i have to take new meds, see new doctors, juggle appointments, and recuperate as best as possible. unfortunately i hadn't planned on any of this, but this is one of life's curve balls. i just have to learn to accept it and move on to the best of my ability.

dealing with dead relatives...

Sometimes you know them, sometimes you don't, sometimes you love them, and then again sometimes you don't. Most of my relatives are buried in the same place. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death. It seemed all of a sudden to be too fresh for everyone. It's left me with plenty to chew on since.

My grandfather decided he didn't want to go after all. I think several thought motivated his last minute change of heart. I think my uncle was a little reluctant to go and had lowered expectations as a result. My mother went and had a dramatic reaction that I once again wasn't expecting from her. It was all very non sequitur from my point of view.

I wasn't satisfied with the end of the funeral last year. We were rudely ushered away several times. The tomb stone wasn't ready, The coffin was wrong. My grandmother had been prepared poorly in advance. I wanted to leave a parting gift- a mere token offering, which I couldn't do because nothing was ready and we had to leave. At least I got to do that much this year.

This year, I also took photos of all the grave markers. Both sets of my maternal great grandparents are buried in the same place as is a great uncle and my grandmother. My grandfather will be laid to rest here as well, when his time comes. Setting out some incense and taking a moment to have a few thoughts at each marker was enough for me. Things could have been better. Grass had not yet grown in the time that had passed since my grandmother's burial. I think we were all disconcerted by this fact, but my mother was particularly affected by this. All of her past feelings came rushing back to her. My uncle, who was seeking some sort of final closure, didn't find what he was searching for, either. The stone for her place didn't look right to me; I felt there were aesthetic errors. It also looked way too fresh and clean for my preference. Perhaps "fresh" is an apt word to describe how each of us had unhappily come to terms with the day's excursion. I think everything was just a little too fresh for everyone.

Then we went on to another cemetery where another great uncle of mine has been placed to rest. (I do not say "laid" as he was cremated and no longer had a whole body to lay.) His resting place is beautiful, peaceful, and serene. There is a wonderful calming scent that is both earthy and sweet. My uncle remarked that it smelled like his grandparent's house as a child. There is no stone present but rather a plate in the ground and my great uncle's ashes are in an urn placed under the plate. I think visiting his place last may have been a good way to end the day. I think it calmed everyone down and made them think of better things. Again I took some photos and left more incense.

It was a tiring day and we finished by reconvening at my grandfather's apartment and had dinner together. It stormed badly, just like it did last year and at about the same time as well. It seemed too close for comfort- like it was more than mere coincidence. Who knows? I felt tired and ill because I had exceeded the limits of my current sleeping pattern and I had been more active than I am accustomed to, not to mention I was feeling very motion sick as a result of all the driving around and sitting in the back seat. Not being in a car much anymore has made it worse, but particularly not being the driver is what makes me prone to feel ill like that every time. After a certain point all I wanted to do was get home, but it seemed like time still had to drag on another hour or two.

In conclusion, I think my uncle will eventually develop a sense of closure, but it probably won't transpire as he expects. I think my mother may never really get over my grandmother's death; I think it was just way too traumatic for her. She retains every thing with its corresponding emotion intact. Unfortunately, this causes her prolonged suffering when it comes to negativity in her life. I think my grandfather may never see her/their grave again. There is a chance we won't see it again either until he passes away and then after that I have no idea. Maybe no one will go to visit again. It took my grandmother's death to go this year and last year. Last time I was there was possibly more than two decades ago. With my plans to eventually leave the country, I should try for at least one more time. And with that thought in my head, I am left once again with the thought of how I might die, and what I wish to be done with my body and estate upon my death. Such thoughts are rather sobering...

(repost) goodbye yahoo 360...

Having received word today that Yahoo 360 is finally shutting down, I thought I would pop on over here and see if there was anything lingering that I needed to transfer elsewhere. As things are, I have already reposted these blogs to a central blog I keep for everything now.

http://djsquelchandphaseshifts.blogspot.com/

Any blogging that I might do would go here first before being posted any sub-blog. How ironic I chose to do that for posterity. Also, my most pertinent photos and art are archived on flickr.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/djsquelch/sets/

I have been a Yahoo member since 02/98. A lot has happened over the years and I have blogged so little of it, particularly here. I hope you will take the time to stay with the links I have posted in this entry. These are slices of my life and I hope you enjoy them as they come about. Thank you for sticking with me. Words cannot express my appreciation effectively. Goodbye to all things Yahoo 360 and see you later on the other side...

of goals and destinations...

While my life may be a work in progress, I do set goals for myself along the way such as completion of chores, accomplishing projects (which sometimes sit around for a bit first, gathering lots of potential energy), and short/long-term work that I wish to do for a living. Anyone who's followed me for a while knows of my pursuit in and commitment to music (spec edm) and most likely equally aware that I am working towards a goal of teaching English in Japan. I recently came across a blurb discussing flexible careers that also pay well and I was intrigued that teaching was actually one of the options. I have always considered teaching as an underpaid and thankless job meant only for those with a passion or at least a genuine interest for such a thing. I think that reservation may only hold up to certain levels, i.e. i imagine an inner-city elementary teacher will make less than a private tutor, who will make less than an undergraduate college professor, who will make less than post secondary teacher, for instance. I am sure there is a breakdown on salary rank based on various contingencies that is more clear, but I don't have that information on hand at the present time. The article I found did actually specify a level of teaching that is more monetarily rewarding and it gave me food for thought that while I am aiming for teaching that maybe i might give consideration to seeing how far I can go in such a field (a bit of a personal challenge, as it were).

"Post Secondary Teachers

Did you know that many college teachers and university professors are retiring? You'll work on a school calendar, with summer, spring, and winter holiday vacation time if you want it. Some professors only report to campus two days a week. They make up for it by the work they do at home, but not reporting to campus every day can lead to flexibility.

You'll need a master's degree to teach at the community college level and a doctorate in your field to qualify for tenure-track professorships at four-year colleges. Positions for post-secondary teachers are predicted to rise by an exceptional 12 percent through the 2006-2016 decade. 2007 salary averages were $98,974 for professors, $69,911 for associate professors, and $58,662 for assistant professors."
Source: http://education.yahoo.net/degrees/articles/featured_six_flexible_careers_that_pay_70k.html

On a side note, I would like to reiterate that I still have no intention o giving up on music and think that pursuing teaching will be rewarding in multiple ways, including financially facilitating my pursuit in music, which is also an underpaid career field- hey, why do I keep choosing underpaid fields as career choices!?

beware of unauthorized transactions...

Today, I was checking my bank account online and came across a transaction I did not recognize.
05/27/2009 ACH Transaction - Web Revenue Svc 4242390433 $14.95-
Some of you may have seen this before. Some of you may see it soon. I ran a few searches online. The White Pages reverse phone number search didn't turn up any results, but Google said the area code 424 is Santa Monica, California. I also turned up a very interesting search result for "Web Revenue Service."
http://800notes.com/Phone.aspx/1-424-239-0433
Guess what? Some creep is randomly conducting unauthorized account transactions. Guess what else? People are irate and I figure it won't be long before this criminal is brought to justice. Banks in particular do not take this sort of garbage lying down. My bank has already heard from me twice about this. I expect a satisfactory resolution and that is not negotiable.
So check your statements and your caller id's regularly! I have no idea how this person is getting everyone's account number, but s/he is currently actively stealing money on a frequent and regular basis! Let's put an end to criminals like this...

unexpected tears...

this week, i was told about the passing of an old family friend. i havent seen her in over a decade, most of which she has been in a rest home (which i barely even recall). my family and her family have been next door neighbors since well before i was born. taking into account recent considerable detachment, i wasn't phased initially when i first heard the news (other than realizing it was rather sad). however within a short while, i found myself tearing up while preparing my meal. i had started digging into old memories...

this woman was good friends with my grandmother. she was a sweet lady and indeed the majority of her family and my family were friends with each other. we have seen many things happen to each other over the years- death, marriage, and birth as well as everything in between. even after i was in my twenties, she was still favoring me as if i were one of her own. you could say she was like a grandmother to me and i enjoyed that very much. i wish i had more opportunities to share time with her.

i have lost several friends and family over the years- teachers, distant relatives, and other family friends. for some reason, i think this loss has struck me harder than all the others; perhaps because she was so personally special to me and nothing had a chance to damage any of those memories. i think it is in that last thought that explains why the tears i couldnt find for my grandmother i had found for this lady. last year, i said goodbye to my grandmother; this year to her, and i know my grandfather wont be living much longer either. i am tired of digging out my funeral clothes to say goodbye...

music article and commentary...

I haven't posted a news article with commentary in a long time. In fact, I used to do it on my MySpace musician page fairly often about things that caught my eye which I felt were noteworthy. Yes, lots of things in the news are noteworthy. I realize that. Many people do not realize that a person cannot buy things such as books, music, videos, etc. just because they live in a certain country- or rather because they do not live in a certain country. Policies like this actually hurt global economy more than they offer protection (against what is something I don't even wish to bother discussing). The one major flaw I see in economy is when consumers are not granted relevant rights- or worse yet, when their rights are not observed. I'm starting to encroach upon a tirade I'd rather steer clear of for now since it is something I have more than sufficiently touched upon in the past. If you're familiar with my past posts, chances are you already know what I'm hinting at. Anyway, anytime I see an article discussing the music industry it naturally catches my eye, esp. if it involves even a remote attempt to put the industry in its place- trust me, they need it. At some point, this world is going to see more global policy being implemented to some extent in various fields. I think it's a smart step in the right direction. Some people's standards are too low while others are too high. I have always felt a happy medium is a good thing to strive for since there are so few in this world, let alone in our lives. So yeah, you take an article about one thing and pretty soon you can see some basic concepts covered that can be applied to other things in life. Pretty neat, huh?

---------------------

EU pushes music industry to open up online rights
by AOIFE WHITE, AP Business Writer
Tue May 26, 2009 7:02AM EDT

BRUSSELS -

EU antitrust regulators told the music industry Tuesday to move quickly and change licenses that currently restrict online music stores such as iTunes from offering the same songs for sale across Europe.

Internet music downloads in Europe lag behind those in the United States, pulling in just a fraction of revenues the record industry is losing from falling CD sales.

Part of the problem in Europe is that music rights are sold separately in each country, which has prevented Apple Inc.'s iTunes from setting up a single store to service all of Europe. Instead, it has to seek licenses from each EU member state where it wishes to sell and to set up separate national stores with different music selections.

EU Competition Commissioner Neelie Kroes said regulators' talks with the music industry mean that French collecting society SACEM and record label EMI were now willing to license their music to rights managers across Europe.

Apple has also said that it would offer music tracks to all European customers if it was able to license EU-wide rights.

"There is a clear willingness expressed by major players in the online distribution of music in Europe to tackle the many barriers which prevent consumers from fully benefiting from the opportunities that the Internet provides," she said.

She urged publishers and music copyright groups — also called collecting societies — "to move quickly to adapt their licensing solutions to the online environment," saying she would review progress.

This carries more than a hint of a threat. The European Commission told collecting societies last July to end a system of contracts that allow artists to collect payments only from an agency based in their own country.

It found the 24 European collecting societies guilty of breaking EU antitrust rules, but did not impose any fines. The collecting societies are members of CISAC, the International Confederation of Societies of Authors of Composers.

Musicians make money from their music after they register copyrights with collective rights managers. Those managers then license songs to online services, radio stations, nightclubs and other outlets.

Some artists have complained that altering current licenses could see them shortchanged and miss out on income from increased sales.


Source: http://tech.yahoo.com/news/ap/20090526/ap_on_hi_te/eu_eu_online_music

e-prime and other languages of interest...

ok, raise your hand if you have heard of e-prime. no, it isn't a robot fighting for the side of good. no, it isn't a computer language either, but it is a language so i might give you half-credit for that guess. this is a term that has stuck with me for generations and i have never found a practical use for it yet other than conversation topic. guess where i heard it... give up? a raver brought it up online back in the day when hyperreal was at its peak and vrave was still running under the hyperreal domain. oh you're curious now, right? guess what- it's covered over at wiki! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-Prime

here is an excerpt just to get you started on a very interesting article:
"E-Prime, short for English-Prime, is a modified form of English. It uses very slightly simplified syntax and vocabulary, eliminating all forms of the verb to be: be, is, am, are, was, were, been and being (and their contractions). Sentences composed in E-Prime seldom contain the passive voice, which in turn may force the writer or speaker to think differently (compare the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis). By eliminating most uses of the passive voice, E-Prime encourages writers and speakers to make explicit the agent of a statement,[1] possibly making the written text easier to read and understand.

E-Prime is used as a mental discipline to filter speech and translate the speech of others.[2] For example, the sentence "the movie was good", translated into E-Prime, could become "I liked the movie". The translation communicates the speaker's subjective experience of the movie rather than the speaker's judgment of the movie. In this example, using E-Prime makes it harder for the writer or reader to confuse a statement of opinion with a statement of fact."

"Contents:
* 1 History
* 2 Different functions of 'to be'
* 3 Rationale
* 4 Discouraged forms
o 4.1 Allowed words
o 4.2 Allowed words with prohibited homophones or homographs
* 5 Examples
* 6 Examples of literal translation vs. translation "in the spirit" of E-Prime
o 6.1 First example of literal translation
o 6.2 Second example of literal translation
o 6.3 An example of translation "in the spirit" of E-Prime
* 7 Criticisms
* 8 References
* 9 Footnotes
* 10 See also
* 11 External links"

as you can gather, it's actually a very interesting article. however, this wouldn't be the only unusual formulation of language in existence. Who's heard of esperanto? no, it isn't a coffee, car, or bean. it's an auxiliary language and guess what- there's more than one kind of auxiliary language. check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Esperanto and while you're at it, look up auxiliary languages here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_auxiliary_language. these are very interesting reads, folks. seriously!

creative envisioning...

last month, i received an unsolicited letter from an artist. her name is soojung cho and you can check out her website here: http://www.soojungcho.com/home.htm and over in my "check it out" section as well. whether she knew it or not, we are contemporaries as i spent a lot of time painting as well, not to mention all my other activity in the arts. i enjoyed having the chance to go to her site and see what she had to offer, so much so that i have been back a few times already and plan to visit again in the future.

not only do i encourage you to view her portfolio, but also her statement page as well. i could relate to her thoughts on her artistic expression and why she chooses to paint in the way that she does. i am refreshed to see such gallery quality work on display. i enjoy her recurring themes and her color choices. i think her work sets a peaceful, ambient mood in its softness. i look forward to seeing more of her works.

online activity...

i was randomly giving thought the other day regarding my online activity. sure, i am online all the time. just ask my isp. specifically, i am referring to when i choose to join new sites. it's been years since i was a regular user of forums or taken an active interest in e-communities; after enough bad experiences, i am a tad gun shy about taking part in such places. however, that doesn't keep me from joining altogether.

what was capturing my interest the other day was my membership tracking. it seems a lot of sites keep a record of how long i have been a member, at least down to the month and year. it suddenly occurred to me that i have a tendency to join websites more during the winter months, and more specifically during february. case in point, i joined at least three sites last month and only a couple this month. its completely a subconscious action on my part. i have no idea why i follow this particular pattern, but i did think it was interesting.

so yeah, that's all i had to offer...

contemplations and speculations...

perhaps it is the winter slump, perhaps it is my grandfather nearing death so soon after my grandmother's passing, or perhaps it is a culmination of things that has left me lethargic, unusually uninteractive, and generally disinterested. that doesn't mean that i have lost all interest in everything, but it has been narrowed to a slightly limited range.

the weather has been crazy, alternating between a chilling gray and a warm blue sky, it's like spring is trying desperately hard to come out, but winter is still clinging to the area. i quickly tire of winter, especially when there isn't any snow. i suppose i'm one of those folks who needs those special yellow-tinted lenses to keep my mood up. however, that isn't all that has been bothering me...
my grandfather's health has been getting progressively worse and my family bickers about it instead of doing something about it. the other day he stopped breathing for a while and it took some effort to get him to resume breathing again. this could happen to him at any time and he doesn't always have someone watching over him. i find it troubling because after personal experience, i know i am not qualified to tend to all his needs. aside from that i have taken my life off-track so many times for my grandparent's needs that it isn't even funny to consider the state i am in these days. few fully understand all this entails. however, that, too, isn't all that has been bothering me...

extenuating circumstances can put a person into a bad place in life. after two back surgeries, surgery on each foot, scratching both corneas, becoming unemployed and not qualifying for unemployment, moving to a place where i cannot walk to a job, nearly totaling my car and slowly repairing it over the last five years, losing a relative, watching the deteriorating health of other relatives, etc. etc., there is very little i am able to do now emotionally, physically, and financially speaking. I was trying to work at home by making music and and as a dj, but critical hardware failure and a most crucial juncture virtually shut down my home business since i cannot afford to repair the damages as of yet. i have adjusted my goals since then in hopes that a pursuit of interests my lead to some future stability. i am referring to learning japanese fluently and doing what is necessary to teach english. this has been giving me hope, but it is not always enough to carry my spirits...

lately i have been trying to train my ear to be more receptive to the japanese language. in addition to my lessons, i have been listening to japanese music, watching anime, reading manga aloud to get my pronunciation accurate, and i have been exposing myself to more japanese culture through my online stumbles and ordering various food products and other merchandise. the packaging has plenty to learn to read and the cuisine itself is a broadening experience. this is something i value if i should end up going to japan as i am hoping to do. i figure every little thing should help...

as i said earlier, this isn't enough to always keep my spirits rejuvenated as there are plenty of other things to enter my mind on a daily basis and weigh me down. i accept the responsibility of this emotional burden, but i wish i had a way of better dealing with many of my situations to leave my daily life feeling a little less... challenged, shall we say.

at this point in my life it seems everything revolves around finances whether i like it or not. food costs money. shelter costs money. transportation costs money. education costs money. clothing costs money. medical and dental needs cost money. there's no escaping it- living costs money, even by the most modest means. if i could secure my financial situation i feel everything else would fall neatly into place. however, that is a mighty big "if." i am still recovering from declaring bankruptcy more than seven years ago. that wasn't when everything started to fall apart, but rather upon hitting rock-bottom and things still continued to get worse in other aspects of my life. just because i am no longer in debt doesn't make things alright. i still have expenses i need to meet and i won't always have poor family members to help me when possible. this weighs heavily on my mind. i want to establish financial security before i find myself looking for a cardboard box as a home. i would like to work from home doing something i like. it should be possible. i really didn't want to sell things, collect debts, and so forth by phone, nor did i want to spend my days copy writing or data processing.

with my 35th birthday coming up this month, i am feeling especially reflective. not having a grasp on living properly as of yet is definitely regurgitated food for thought. unfortunately, answers to problems like this never come easily to me...

candy...

as much as i adore savory foods, i still have a lingering sweet tooth form my childhood. in particular, i still enjoy the things i ate then, but it gets difficult with the passage of time to find some of those things. sure, you can go online to special order many of them or even go to specialty shops, but some things are no longer regularly accessible (which i suppose defines these rarities a "treat" more so than other sweets). ive also discovered geography also plays a part in where you can find things- even within your own country, state, or town.

recently, my mother went out of town for astronomical observation and while she was a away, she happened across a specialty shop dealing in retro merchandise- including candy! it was a great surprise to get a massive bag of goodies full of retro candies including tootsie rolls, unicorn pops, zotz, hard candy sticks, nonpareils, and more. a lot of these candies are associated with fond childhood memories which make them all the more special to me. i love the sensation of nostalgia and when i have something tangibly associative, it gives me a very happy feeling. i even considered pulling out ma camera to photograph some of the packages not knowing when i might see them again, if at all, but i resisted the urge. maybe i might some other time- documenting for posterity isnt such a bad thing after all...