Some people are animal lovers and some aren't. I used to not understand this, but over the years I am slowly beginning to see some reasons why some animals would not be liked very much. My mother is an animal lover and has had various pets over the years. I also like animals, but slowly I see myself appreciating animals more which are in the wild or owned by other people. I dig my dog, but even he can get under my skin from time to time. It also doesn't help that I think I have been developing minor allergies to animals such as birds and little critters, which brings me to the subject to which my title refers.
My mother has a couple tiny hamsters. They are teeny tiny and very cute. I doubt they weigh an ounce, soaking wet. These little escape artists manage to get out of their cage and adventure the world known as our home. It's never noticed and we can't tell how they get out because there are no signs of where or how they departed from their cage. Worse yet, they can and have disappeared for days at a time until they are found quite by accident. Even more astounding is the fact that there were previous pet hamsters that escaped and were never found again- and they were bigger! How do they do it? Houdini would be in awe. I certainly am. Time will only tell what will happen to our current escapees...
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
get well soon...
My uncle was been ill recently with a lighter version of what my mother had. So once he was on the mend and could laugh without fear, I sent him a little email that would gratify his sense of humor (by the way, Raul is pronounced rah-ool for added effectiveness of this joke):
Hey Sparky,
This is Ralph from Raul's Hork Emporium. Your chunks came up today during our meeting and we have them on backorder. By the way, the usual brand has been discontinued so we hope that you will accept Barf brand chunks, instead. As soon as those Barf chunks come out, we will give them to you directly. As a consolation for not being able to receive the usual brand, Raul's is prepared to offer a fine porcelain product of your preference. You have a choice between porcelain pedestals and telephones. We can even program the porcelain telephone with a speed dial so you can reach Raul directly for consultation and additional services. We wish we could offer more, but our supplier has come down with dysentery after a ceremonial bathing in the Ganges River with his cow. Fortunately, the cow is fine. Thank you and we hope you will order our Barf chunks again and again.
Regards,
Ralph Yakman
P.S. Remember to keep in mind our catchy motto: if it's gonna be anything it's gonna be Raul or nothin!
Hey Sparky,
This is Ralph from Raul's Hork Emporium. Your chunks came up today during our meeting and we have them on backorder. By the way, the usual brand has been discontinued so we hope that you will accept Barf brand chunks, instead. As soon as those Barf chunks come out, we will give them to you directly. As a consolation for not being able to receive the usual brand, Raul's is prepared to offer a fine porcelain product of your preference. You have a choice between porcelain pedestals and telephones. We can even program the porcelain telephone with a speed dial so you can reach Raul directly for consultation and additional services. We wish we could offer more, but our supplier has come down with dysentery after a ceremonial bathing in the Ganges River with his cow. Fortunately, the cow is fine. Thank you and we hope you will order our Barf chunks again and again.
Regards,
Ralph Yakman
P.S. Remember to keep in mind our catchy motto: if it's gonna be anything it's gonna be Raul or nothin!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
no gaijin allowed...
I got this t-shirt a while back. Why? Why else? It's funny yet somewhat accurate in its sentimental expression. A place that prevent a race -- any race -- from patronizing an establishment has got some screwy racist policies which are outdated, regardless of reason. It's worse than segregation when you won't even allow someone's presence because of their physical cultural heritage. The sad thing is it's all borne out of hate and fear. I really don't want to be hated and/or feared so to any physical characteristic and yet I know it has happened to me before. I love the t-shirt. My only regret is that the printed design is not larger...
it's just one of those things, baby...
I saw this used for a travel article and was quite taken with it. Sometimes you would like to get lost or tell someone else to get lost. Well there it was, right in my face telling me to get lost. So I did- lost in creative thought, that is. Sometimes I like to use various phrases, stickers, and whatnot for collage art when doing posters or album cover art so this seemed really appealing to me. Even if I don't use it, it still tickles my funny bone...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
joke...
***a friend sent me this joke the other day. i tidied it up a bit. still makes me grin. enjoy...
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home, unexpectedly sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here..." The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy, replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy: I have a soccer ball.
Man: That's nice...
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside...
Man: *sighs* Ok, how much?
Boy: $250.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have soccer cleats...
Man: *sighs* Ok, how much this time?
Boy: $350.00
Man: Sold.
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your cleats, soccer ball, and let's go outside and have a game of soccer." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy replies, "$600.00." The father says, "That's a terrible thing, overcharging your friend like that. That's four times what they cost when they were new. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here..." The priest says, "Don't start with that nonsense again, you little jerk. You're in my cupboard now!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home, unexpectedly sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here..." The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy, replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy: I have a soccer ball.
Man: That's nice...
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside...
Man: *sighs* Ok, how much?
Boy: $250.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have soccer cleats...
Man: *sighs* Ok, how much this time?
Boy: $350.00
Man: Sold.
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your cleats, soccer ball, and let's go outside and have a game of soccer." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy replies, "$600.00." The father says, "That's a terrible thing, overcharging your friend like that. That's four times what they cost when they were new. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here..." The priest says, "Don't start with that nonsense again, you little jerk. You're in my cupboard now!"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
back-words... joke...
September 20, 2008
joke...
here is an old favorite joke of mine. i told it years ago and recently had a chance to tell it again, so i thought i would share...
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?
Well, you just can't kill two birds with one stone...
joke...
here is an old favorite joke of mine. i told it years ago and recently had a chance to tell it again, so i thought i would share...
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?
Well, you just can't kill two birds with one stone...
back-words... fruitcake recipe...
December 27, 2007
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy
bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets
stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Check the
whiskey... repeat...
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Take the rest of the whiskey with you. Who the hell likes
fruitcake anyway?
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy
bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets
stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Check the
whiskey... repeat...
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Take the rest of the whiskey with you. Who the hell likes
fruitcake anyway?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
back-words... domo-kun...
*** the original video link i posted was no longer valid, so i posted a new link. i hope this one lasts...
Friday, May 2, 2008
domo-kun...
ok how many of you have seen this character or heard the name, but never understood what the craze was about? here's and educational treat...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da9X4tnW2o4
want some more info on domo-kun? here's a wiki entry to satisfy your thirst for knowledge...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domo-kun
Friday, May 2, 2008
domo-kun...
ok how many of you have seen this character or heard the name, but never understood what the craze was about? here's and educational treat...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da9X4tnW2o4
want some more info on domo-kun? here's a wiki entry to satisfy your thirst for knowledge...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domo-kun
back-words... robot chicken - alien vs michael jackson on [as]...
Monday, March 17, 2008
robot chicken - alien vs michael jackson on [as]...
this explains everything! way too funny. this is a keeper.
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=0792268019d034500b1801ea51716f2b
robot chicken - alien vs michael jackson on [as]...
this explains everything! way too funny. this is a keeper.
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=0792268019d034500b1801ea51716f2b
back-words... 101 george carlin quotations...
*** this was posted before he passed away. i think he was a funny, funny man and i'm glad his time here has made me smile. i will miss him...
Monday, August 13, 2007
101 george carlin quotations...
i just stumbled across this and since mr. carlin is always amusing, i thought i would share:
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
By James A. on May 12th, 2007
George Carlin
The man who says "life is worth losing" turns 70 today. George would say that's irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he's been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he's pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…
1. I don't have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don't finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
34. I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature.
42. So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, "Fuck waffles."
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. "Meow" means "woof" in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. "No comment" is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
84. You can't argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I've been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
95. I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn't fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Monday, August 13, 2007
101 george carlin quotations...
i just stumbled across this and since mr. carlin is always amusing, i thought i would share:
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
By James A. on May 12th, 2007
George Carlin
The man who says "life is worth losing" turns 70 today. George would say that's irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he's been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he's pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…
1. I don't have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don't finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
34. I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature.
42. So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, "Fuck waffles."
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. "Meow" means "woof" in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. "No comment" is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
84. You can't argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I've been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
95. I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn't fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Monday, January 26, 2009
back-words... dst...
Monday, October 30, 2006
dst...
daylight savings time is a bitch. i just found a cartoon that charmingly mentions one of my issues with dst.
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/uclickcomics/20061030/cx_zi_uc/zi20061030
here is another useful reference:
http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_savings_time
dst...
daylight savings time is a bitch. i just found a cartoon that charmingly mentions one of my issues with dst.
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/uclickcomics/20061030/cx_zi_uc/zi20061030
here is another useful reference:
http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_savings_time
back-words... charming...
Friday, October 27, 2006
charming...
halloween is one of my favorite holidays. as the season changes and autumn comes, so do the vibrant colors of the leaves and the crispness in the air. it fills me with exhilarated anticipation of various delights that may lie ahead. i also remember the joy-filling interests of my childhood, such as cartoon specials, stories, games, and activities. one of my favorite things to do was going to select a pumpkin to turn into a jack-o-lantern. now as an adult, some of these interests fade or take on twisted aspects, which leads me to this video i stumbled upon entitled "the life and death of a pumpkin." kudos to the creator and the cinematography. its a great mix of old and new concepts.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1282019132
charming...
halloween is one of my favorite holidays. as the season changes and autumn comes, so do the vibrant colors of the leaves and the crispness in the air. it fills me with exhilarated anticipation of various delights that may lie ahead. i also remember the joy-filling interests of my childhood, such as cartoon specials, stories, games, and activities. one of my favorite things to do was going to select a pumpkin to turn into a jack-o-lantern. now as an adult, some of these interests fade or take on twisted aspects, which leads me to this video i stumbled upon entitled "the life and death of a pumpkin." kudos to the creator and the cinematography. its a great mix of old and new concepts.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1282019132
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