action resulting from motivation vs. intention...

My mind has been on my previous post as well as the fact that I haven't posted here in over a year. It strikes me so that the thought keep rolling around in my head: I haven't posted in over a year- close to a year and a half, actually. I never intended to let my blog go for so long, but so much has happened since I last discussed my life that this truly did slip way down on my priority list and many times when I thought about posting a new entry, I really had no desire to do so; I just didn't have the emotional energy that I felt I needed to get into deeply personal topics. I certainly wasn't planning on resuming blog entries with a rant, but it ended up happening anyway. At this point, I should talk about what has been happening in all this time and get everything up to date because I actually have set aside things that I did want to eventually share and discuss.
Anyone reading far enough back or who knows me personally will recall that my grandmother passed away in 2008 and my grandfather passed away in 2009. Things are still not fully reconciled, but have been mostly reconciled at this point. There has also been a great emotional and physical drain that accompanied it- both a conscious and subconscious shutting down that I imagine are part of the grieving process as well as depression, from which I already suffer.
At the end of 2009, My laptop died. It was brand new and I was stymied. At this point in time, I still have yet to get it repaired. I have not had what I considered an adequate opportunity to do so. My mother's laptop also foozed out, but repair was an easier process so it has already been repaired as of this past summer. My even newer desktop took a dive recently and while most of everything is ok, there are a few cosmetic damages and it is not economically feasible to get it repaired, which was a major disappointment to me.
Last year welcomed a new lunar year for the tiger, which I was rather psyched about because I was born during the year of the tiger and usually am hopeful of things looking better than usual in the coming year- not that I take it to particularly seriously, but it did give me a little fuel for hope. Well, things did not look up. I got food poisoning on my birthday. It was so bad that I suffered for months afterward, but as bad as my mother, who was ill for eight weeks at the beginning of the year and nearly lost her job as a result of being out for so long.
I also came to the unpleasant realization that I had acute hypertension; my blood pressure was so sky high that I literally thought I was going to die one weekend just before I sought medical help.I'm not much for doctors as I have had very few positive experiences with them and I no longer have medical insurance and have to pay for everything out of my unemployed pocket which already receives no financial aid whatsoever. Therefore, resigning to do this was a big step for me.
Additionally, I ended up having yet another root canal last year and I am already anticipating needing one for this year as well. I have started to lose count, but I think this will be number 11 for me. It seems mt grandmother's dental issues may have been genetic and the torch has now been passed on to me, as it were.
Speaking of medical issues, I also had another session with kidney stones this past year. Eventually I ended up going to the emergency room for help. Based on my descriptions, their tests, and what I eventually passed afterward, it would seem that I passed seven stones inside a two week period. To say the least, I was wiped out for a long time afterward.
I finally found a new doctor that I like who is local to me who genuinely takes an interest in my health and can relate to many of my situations. In the same medical center I have also found specialists who may be able to tend to my various other needs as well as a dentist in the adjoining level below. This gives me a sense of hope that I might be able to get more of my needs tended to, which haven't received treatment in literally years.
With things finally shaping up for my health, I am looking into resuming many old projects I had set aside, such as fixing my car, getting the heating and air conditioning fixed, possibly replacing the water boiler as well, and a lot of other minor tasks because let's face it, my grandparents' house was already old when we moved in and these things all needed tending to anyway. I also have projects for my room including building a bathroom and kitchen in the adjoining area because I would like to make my area more apartment-like and self-sustainable. Also on my list is doing things to resume working in music, including refinishing and upgrading my guitar, a 1965 Fender Musicmaster II. I am saving the older components for posterity. I am trying to keep it as original as possible, wherever it hasn't sustained damages from time and previous users.
This all having been said, I hope to continue the year with more interesting posts to intrigue and amuse. May the year of the rabbit be better than the tiger. So far it has been a rocky start- my mother has been to the emergency room twice two weeks ago for various problems.

it was a month ago today...

...that my grandfather passed away.

i just got back home a couple nights ago and was up 'til all hours. without much surprise i needed a couple days recuperation time on top of getting ill from pushing myself so hard, but i'm getting ahead of myself...

on saturday, august 29th, i went over to see my grandfather for a weekly visit, dinner, and movie (video) as weve been doing for the past several months since my grandmother passed away last year. his health had been deteriorating worse in the last few months with multiple cases of aspiration pneumonia, delirium, and non-coherent speech. in essence we could see he had changed his mind once again and was giving up on life (something he had been deliberating for a while, off and on). unfortunately with his disease (inclusion body myositis), he just couldnt afford to be negative about such things- although he probably had little choice in the matter anyway.

shortly after we arrived, he became clinically unresponsive. he passed away shortly after nine on the following night. we watched him die. hospice was there giving him morphine regularly and everything was done to make hime as physically comfortable as possible and we helplessly sat there and watched him die. it was fairly peaceful for him. it was hard to take and still is from time to time.

we had planned a nice evening and even invited my grandmother's younger brother for a special dinner and a movie. sensing the end coming, we took special consideration to prepare my grandfather's more favorite meals so he could enjoy is last days as best as possible. my mom had even taken to hand-feeding him; he had become so weak. we chose movies that we felt he would enjoy. we ate with him in his bedroom so he could be apart of things virtually from start to finish since he couldn't move anymore. we also tried to get my uncle down more regularly and fortunately he was there when my grandfather passed. things probably couldn't have transpired better than they did in regards to how he passed away and yet my family is heartbroken with sorrow, remorse, and even some regret.

the aftermath was very difficult. we lived in their facility apartment during this past entire month. a lot of things needed to be done and a lawyer did most of it. the rest was left up to us and it was a strain, emotionally and physically. even now there are still a few remaining loose ends, such as canceling various subscriptions and whatnot. we successfully vacated the apartment by the end of the month, but after filling a 10x10 storage unit we still have so much that it was piled on the back porch at home with drop clothes pulled over. so that it can be brought inside in a more accommodating fashion. the lighter side is very little bickering was done over belonings- mostly my mother simply told my uncle he could have whatever he asked for (when he bothered to ask; mostly he just grabbed). since i don't have a home of my own yet i felt i had no place asking for any of the things that i spent more of my life growing around than they had, to which my mother disagreed with that line of thinking saying that i had just as much right if not more so than them as i grew up with all those possessions and dedicated a lot of my life helping them, interrupting things like college, work, and living at home off and on over the years to help both of my grandparents with their various needs. i felt more like a hyena that needs to wait after the lions are through. i didn't want to fight over stuff and i didn't really feel like divvying it up, either.

he was cremated a couple weeks ago as per his wishes. initially he wanted to be buried at sea since he was in the navy, but my grandmother wanted him to be resting with her so that was his concession, however after the way her body was handled/prepared, he decided emphatically that cremation was what he wished for himself. he will be receiving a full military honors service this winter; it was the earliest that could be offered. i feel like a lot of this is far from being over. being the rock of my family has been wearisome so i'm not surprised i became ill as soon as i got home. i hope maybe things can make a turn for the better now, but in all honesty i feel a little sad...

dealing with dead relatives...

Sometimes you know them, sometimes you don't, sometimes you love them, and then again sometimes you don't. Most of my relatives are buried in the same place. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death. It seemed all of a sudden to be too fresh for everyone. It's left me with plenty to chew on since.

My grandfather decided he didn't want to go after all. I think several thought motivated his last minute change of heart. I think my uncle was a little reluctant to go and had lowered expectations as a result. My mother went and had a dramatic reaction that I once again wasn't expecting from her. It was all very non sequitur from my point of view.

I wasn't satisfied with the end of the funeral last year. We were rudely ushered away several times. The tomb stone wasn't ready, The coffin was wrong. My grandmother had been prepared poorly in advance. I wanted to leave a parting gift- a mere token offering, which I couldn't do because nothing was ready and we had to leave. At least I got to do that much this year.

This year, I also took photos of all the grave markers. Both sets of my maternal great grandparents are buried in the same place as is a great uncle and my grandmother. My grandfather will be laid to rest here as well, when his time comes. Setting out some incense and taking a moment to have a few thoughts at each marker was enough for me. Things could have been better. Grass had not yet grown in the time that had passed since my grandmother's burial. I think we were all disconcerted by this fact, but my mother was particularly affected by this. All of her past feelings came rushing back to her. My uncle, who was seeking some sort of final closure, didn't find what he was searching for, either. The stone for her place didn't look right to me; I felt there were aesthetic errors. It also looked way too fresh and clean for my preference. Perhaps "fresh" is an apt word to describe how each of us had unhappily come to terms with the day's excursion. I think everything was just a little too fresh for everyone.

Then we went on to another cemetery where another great uncle of mine has been placed to rest. (I do not say "laid" as he was cremated and no longer had a whole body to lay.) His resting place is beautiful, peaceful, and serene. There is a wonderful calming scent that is both earthy and sweet. My uncle remarked that it smelled like his grandparent's house as a child. There is no stone present but rather a plate in the ground and my great uncle's ashes are in an urn placed under the plate. I think visiting his place last may have been a good way to end the day. I think it calmed everyone down and made them think of better things. Again I took some photos and left more incense.

It was a tiring day and we finished by reconvening at my grandfather's apartment and had dinner together. It stormed badly, just like it did last year and at about the same time as well. It seemed too close for comfort- like it was more than mere coincidence. Who knows? I felt tired and ill because I had exceeded the limits of my current sleeping pattern and I had been more active than I am accustomed to, not to mention I was feeling very motion sick as a result of all the driving around and sitting in the back seat. Not being in a car much anymore has made it worse, but particularly not being the driver is what makes me prone to feel ill like that every time. After a certain point all I wanted to do was get home, but it seemed like time still had to drag on another hour or two.

In conclusion, I think my uncle will eventually develop a sense of closure, but it probably won't transpire as he expects. I think my mother may never really get over my grandmother's death; I think it was just way too traumatic for her. She retains every thing with its corresponding emotion intact. Unfortunately, this causes her prolonged suffering when it comes to negativity in her life. I think my grandfather may never see her/their grave again. There is a chance we won't see it again either until he passes away and then after that I have no idea. Maybe no one will go to visit again. It took my grandmother's death to go this year and last year. Last time I was there was possibly more than two decades ago. With my plans to eventually leave the country, I should try for at least one more time. And with that thought in my head, I am left once again with the thought of how I might die, and what I wish to be done with my body and estate upon my death. Such thoughts are rather sobering...

fewer posts often indicate a busy mind...

...or at least it is often what my situation is.

typically, i might have had an entry last month in regards to my birthday and my various insights toward life and whatnot- believe me, there was (and still is) plenty to write about. i could have even even had a post at easter for similar reasons. perhaps because there has been so much transpiring on an emotional level that I just couldn't bring myself to start writing and it's in the advent of seeing so little entered recently that i finally feel compelled to the point of writing.

my birthday passed without a word, literally. i had fought with family enough that nothing happened on that day. no words were exchanged at all. it took mentioning my birthday online for strangers and a few friends and extended family to whom i barely speak to actually comment at all. i'm sure a few were sincere in their wishes, but it irked me that automated reminders weren't enough- i actually had to prompt people via wishing myself a happy birthday. i found out the next day a few presents were waiting for me, but i hadn't been told of this nor was i really in a present opening mood by that point.

because my grandfather's health has been deteriorating rapidly -- especially since my grandmother passed away -- i felt my family should be with him. i've already discussed this concept in previous posts so i won't bother with all the various details, except to say that my mother's ex is an absolute pig and i was dismayed we had to rely on him for transportation and subsequently his presence at our little family event. he got presents and to eat dinner and eat all the leftover meat and was still displeased about being there- not that he had any better offers because he did not. unfortunately, my uncle and cousin were unable to attend due to schedule conflicts, but my uncle said they would be able to come two weeks after that (yes, they will be in town this evening and we will all gather tomorrow for dinner). i would also like to get my great uncle more involved in our family. i think making invitations only on holidays is a back-handed compliment. i would like to see him during other times of the year which have no importance whatsoever. he is a special man to me regardless of his profession or familial relation. i simply enjoy his presence and i feel like i never get to see him enough. i am trying to get him more involved. i don't know how all this will pan out, but i am hoping for the best.

so there you have most of the familial junk going on, but there is more (oh no), but i won't get into it for now (oh phew). what i will mention is that two of my best friends, who quite ironically share the same first name, are both having very difficult times in life right now. one is emotionally unstable to very serious proportions and is having troubles arriving at her goal of marriage. the other is having serious troubles with her marriage and has been emotionally affected by most of her family passing away over the course of the past decade or so. so even their situations are ever so slightly flip-flopped as well. neither one talks to me much anymore, but when they do the alway seem to have a boat load of bad news. it's sad to hear such things from friends. i wish i could help them. as it is i can barely help myself...

maybe i will have something better to offer next time i write. the best i can do now is say that i am still interested in all things japanese and my studies are actually showing results. i have a small investment which isn't doing as much as i would like so i am considering not renewing it into rollover, but rather using some portion of it to advance aspects of my life. at my age, progressing at a snail's pace is an extremely poor option for me and i need to feel some personal growth and development because right now i am feeling very little.

contemplations and speculations...

perhaps it is the winter slump, perhaps it is my grandfather nearing death so soon after my grandmother's passing, or perhaps it is a culmination of things that has left me lethargic, unusually uninteractive, and generally disinterested. that doesn't mean that i have lost all interest in everything, but it has been narrowed to a slightly limited range.

the weather has been crazy, alternating between a chilling gray and a warm blue sky, it's like spring is trying desperately hard to come out, but winter is still clinging to the area. i quickly tire of winter, especially when there isn't any snow. i suppose i'm one of those folks who needs those special yellow-tinted lenses to keep my mood up. however, that isn't all that has been bothering me...
my grandfather's health has been getting progressively worse and my family bickers about it instead of doing something about it. the other day he stopped breathing for a while and it took some effort to get him to resume breathing again. this could happen to him at any time and he doesn't always have someone watching over him. i find it troubling because after personal experience, i know i am not qualified to tend to all his needs. aside from that i have taken my life off-track so many times for my grandparent's needs that it isn't even funny to consider the state i am in these days. few fully understand all this entails. however, that, too, isn't all that has been bothering me...

extenuating circumstances can put a person into a bad place in life. after two back surgeries, surgery on each foot, scratching both corneas, becoming unemployed and not qualifying for unemployment, moving to a place where i cannot walk to a job, nearly totaling my car and slowly repairing it over the last five years, losing a relative, watching the deteriorating health of other relatives, etc. etc., there is very little i am able to do now emotionally, physically, and financially speaking. I was trying to work at home by making music and and as a dj, but critical hardware failure and a most crucial juncture virtually shut down my home business since i cannot afford to repair the damages as of yet. i have adjusted my goals since then in hopes that a pursuit of interests my lead to some future stability. i am referring to learning japanese fluently and doing what is necessary to teach english. this has been giving me hope, but it is not always enough to carry my spirits...

lately i have been trying to train my ear to be more receptive to the japanese language. in addition to my lessons, i have been listening to japanese music, watching anime, reading manga aloud to get my pronunciation accurate, and i have been exposing myself to more japanese culture through my online stumbles and ordering various food products and other merchandise. the packaging has plenty to learn to read and the cuisine itself is a broadening experience. this is something i value if i should end up going to japan as i am hoping to do. i figure every little thing should help...

as i said earlier, this isn't enough to always keep my spirits rejuvenated as there are plenty of other things to enter my mind on a daily basis and weigh me down. i accept the responsibility of this emotional burden, but i wish i had a way of better dealing with many of my situations to leave my daily life feeling a little less... challenged, shall we say.

at this point in my life it seems everything revolves around finances whether i like it or not. food costs money. shelter costs money. transportation costs money. education costs money. clothing costs money. medical and dental needs cost money. there's no escaping it- living costs money, even by the most modest means. if i could secure my financial situation i feel everything else would fall neatly into place. however, that is a mighty big "if." i am still recovering from declaring bankruptcy more than seven years ago. that wasn't when everything started to fall apart, but rather upon hitting rock-bottom and things still continued to get worse in other aspects of my life. just because i am no longer in debt doesn't make things alright. i still have expenses i need to meet and i won't always have poor family members to help me when possible. this weighs heavily on my mind. i want to establish financial security before i find myself looking for a cardboard box as a home. i would like to work from home doing something i like. it should be possible. i really didn't want to sell things, collect debts, and so forth by phone, nor did i want to spend my days copy writing or data processing.

with my 35th birthday coming up this month, i am feeling especially reflective. not having a grasp on living properly as of yet is definitely regurgitated food for thought. unfortunately, answers to problems like this never come easily to me...

back-words... funeral...

*** i wrote this after 10pm. it was a hell of a day. since my dog, pogo, has separation anxiety due to being weened from his mother much too early and because i think of him as family, it was my choice to bring him along rather than leave him at home. my great uncle conducted the memorial and funeral services. i wasn't allowed in with pogo and i wasn't going to leave him in the car alone. so we stood outside of the chapel while the memorial service was conducted. later we went to the plot where the funeral service itself was conducted. there was no wake; the casket was closed. there was no tombstone present at the time; it wasn't ready yet. afterward some cemetery authorities shooed us away rudely several times. we couldn't even see her lowered into the ground. i had wanted to light incense at her grave, but circumstances didn't allow for it then.
since then, i have slowly eased my way back into doing things. some things still remain. i had been researching buying a new car to replace my current 14 year old car, but that will have to wait even longer. i had also looked into schools to resume and complete education so i could make a career shift/adjustment, but at this point i'm not sure if its time to resume that effort quite yet since i scratched the other cornea this month. i have resumed studying japanese, but i need to study more diligently.
time is no longer on my side for certain things, and yet i still feel like i need more time. i always felt more comfortable about moving on when there is nothing left to leave behind, but it's hard to move on when you are also leaving things behind. what concretely marks a point of separation/moving on, or is there even such a point in every situation? lately i think maybe such a point doesn't always exist and you have to make one for yourself while forging your way. i think maybe that has always been a difficult thing for me to do.

July 25, 2008
funeral...
today was my grandmother's funeral. it was a difficult day for many in different ways. i came home and crashed afterward yet i am still tired... tomorrow my family celebrates my uncle's birthday early before he and my cousin leave town to return home. i should find some time to talk to her since we almost never have that opportunity. next week, i should think about easing my way back into life and routine again. what a long strange trip its been...

back-words... still dealing with death...

*** my grandmother's passing was not instantaneous; it was a long and extensive process full of suffering and emotional trauma. the day they took her off life support proved to not give her a peaceful death. instead, her body struggled, but wasn't strong enough to keep her alive on its own. my mother suffered the worst of all my family members. its ironic because she and my grandmother weren't close at all, but they had made their peace in the end, so that changed how she would feel about things. she continued to stay at the apartment for a bit longer, but eventually came back home...

July 8, 2008
still dealing with death...
i'm slowly getting back into stumbling again, with the help of a few precious friends. My grandmother's funeral won't be til the end of the month, so i'm kinda holding off on life's guilty little pleasures- to some extent... once that has come to pass, i feel like then i can get back on track with things i withdrew from shortly before she passed away.

on an additional lighter note, my grandfather is out of the hospital and his pneumonia is starting to clear up. i am glad he didn't throw in the towel upon my grandmother's death. we know he doesn't have much time left in this world due to an incurable longterm illness which he has had for decades, but we aim to make him as comfortable as possible while he is still here. after all, the point is he should be happy...

back-words... dealing with death...

*** this was posted to stumbleupon, hence "stumbling." my grandfather has been in and out of the hospital a couple more times since then with the same problems. the help isn't helpful and i think they will be replaced, or at least they should have been when things started to disappear from my grandparent's apartment at the facility. my grandmother's funeral was july 25th, 3 days before my uncle's birthday and less than a month before my mother's birthday. her passing was less than a month after my grandfather's and cousin's birthdays. everything has moved on to some extent since then and yet it also hasn't. most of the family has been permanently affected in some way to this loss. i, for one, never got to prove to her that i am not a failure, as she once deemed me to be. i hope i show some sign of change to my grandfather before he passes. mostly it doesn't matter to me anymore. i finally made peace with those sorts of issues long ago...

June 23, 2008
dealing with death...
i just figured maybe i should drop a blog since i havent really been stumbling for a while... my grandmother's health has been getting worse over the last few months and she finally passed away tuesday, june 3, 2008 at 7:00 pm, est. her services will be in late july. since then my grandfather's health has significantly deteriorated. it seems maybe he has given up on life. he is in the hospital with pneumonia- a kind that can be fatal to people either in his age range or with his kind of medical condition. as he has both counting against him, this is a very serious situation. he has also recently lost control of his mental faculties and in their place, is dementia, hallucinations, and memory issues which all seemingly transpired over night. its possible that it will clear up when the pneumonia is gone, but there are no guarantees. he also has a wound on his ankle which hasnt healed for over a year even with skin grafts and now the doctors are discussing amputation. the remainder of my family is at odds with each other. i feel alone more than ever and have postponed most things until life gets better, which includes stumbling. i hope to be back soon...

back-words... general update on life and such...

*** i could've sworn i posted this somewhere, but at this moment i cant seem to locate it so here's this one...

Entry for November 12, 2008
this is one of the few blogs where i haven't posted anything in a long time, so i figured i was long overdue for providing an update in regards to things that have been transpiring in my life since my last post.

this year has seen many things: another birthday, identity theft, a self-run business slowly rise and quickly fall, admin-level status at a web site, the loss of a family member, communication briefly re-established with other family members, and contemplation of career change accompanied with going back to school again. all this is on top of the daily and other incidental stuff with which i already deal. without a doubt, it's been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride, especially when i take into consideration my past and my future.

my birthday serves as a yearly milestone where i assess how far i've come, what i've accomplished, what i'm currently doing, and what my plans are. it's not so much of a comparison with other people as much as it is a comparison with what i feel i could be doing based on a potential happy medium that i generally try to strive for- nothing too great nor too poor.

as many of you know, last year saw considerable marks in success. i released 10 albums (with a cumulative 15,000+ download result) including a collaborative album which i later remastered as a solo work which i released this year. indeed i have plans for future works, both specifically and generally speaking. after pulling off to work independently, i was accepted to sell my work with apple itunes along with several other companies online. before i was able to send my work to each of these companies, my external hard drive died, which i have described in great detail in a previous post. this put my life at an abrupt standstill. i had no backup plan. if anything, returning to music was my backup plan. due to various medical situations, i've become limited in what i can do so working at home on music seemed like my best option considering my abilities and resources. even though it seems life has other intentions for me, i will not be giving up on this dream and it is my intention to slowly rebuild my way back to where i was before and surpass that milestone.

in the meantime, i'm still limited as to what i can and can't do. time has been slowly healing physical and emotional wounds. i have had time to reconsider life, options, and so forth. an option i've been giving strong consideration to is teaching english as a second and/or foreign language, specifically in japan. why japan? because before i was a live my family had been there while my grandfather was still in the navy and i have grown up seeing all sorts of things attesting to their love of being there and i have been captivated by these relics and on my own experiences found myself gravitating to all things japanese over the course of my life, so it only seemed natural that my first thoughts were of japan. asia, in general, is seeking native-speaking english teachers for all levels of education and they are paying very well and if you get a private job, then the pay is pretty phenomenal. I could really use something that would provide a decent, reliable income. that is something i have never had- its always been decent or reliable, but never both.

so here i am trying my best to become fluent in japanese so that i can go out there and get a job teaching english, but wait- don't i need some sort of experience and educational background in that field before landing such a job? yes, indeed i do. this means completing my existing education so i don't lose all the work i've already done over the course of about 7 years in four colleges. then i need to get an additional degree and perhaps certification as well as work experience before i can even go over there and work. additionally, i will have to perform a massive overseas move as well as getting a home, which will be monumental tasks in of themselves. i've already done all the research into that as well, but i've determined this is something that i want to do and even if it takes me around 7 years to accomplish, i will get it done.

sounds great, but what about the music? that will be sitting on the back burner as little as possible while i am trying to get all these other things accomplished. another goal of the teaching would be to better afford my ability to work on music and probably the repair (if possible) of my external hard drive. if i can get that repaired, then i can get back on track where i was with music sales and continuing further album work, broadcasting, and more. everything i had previously entertained doing in the line of music i still would like to do and i think i can be successful doing that anywhere in the world.

ok, so you mentioned a lot of other stuff happening thats been messing with your abilities... yes, my grandmother passed away this year. her health has been deteriorating for several years now and this year seemed to bring some considerable problems- a broken leg, a heart attack, and then spending her final days in a hospital where she would eventually die. the last medicine the doctors gave her lead to her death. they knew it might do it and my family was informed and for some reason everyone thought it was ok to do. well, she went into a coma, stopped breathing on her own, and after two weeks they finally unplugged her life support and she died a painful, scary death. she was also buried this summer and that was also an ordeal in of itself. i saw relatives i had stopped talking to for quite some time. i saw my grandparents' latest poor choice in assistants there as well. it was not a good day. i chose to bring the dog because he is family and he has emotional problems with being left alone for various reasons. because i had him with me, i was not allowed to go inside for the memorial service which was performed by my great uncle, her brother, how ever i was allowed to attend the burial service as that was outdoors. i miss the person she sometimes was, but not the person she became. her death cemented that things would never be good between us again, much as i had already suspected. in a way i had already said my goodbyes long ago, so the day felt very awkward for me. i think everyone had slightly different feelings on that day and continue to have slightly different feelings. everyone is slightly different now and yet they're still quite the same. things have quieted up between me and my relative once again. everyone is doing what they had been before, the only difference being that my grandmother is no longer part of the picture. it's been hard dealing with things in a way i can't quite describe. i intentionally abandoned certain activities i knew i wouldn't be able to perform during that time and i have resumed most of those activities, such as career and educational research, learning japanese, and a couple of recreational things online, but not everything is back to normal.

i was an active trivia official on a website dedicated to my birth year where i posted on a weekly basis, but now i merely hold the title as i haven't done anything there for months except excuse myself from activity due to family matters. i have resumed recreationally surfing the web and talking to friends online, but i still find myself testier about many things that i used to be more patient about and i've noticed with every major life-affecting event, that i get more and more like this and i don't really care for it. it's something that i try to keep in check, but i can't quite control it 100% of the time, either.

my grandmother's passing hasn't brought much change. my grandfather has seemed to grow more bitter of her, and he continues to tire of life. many of her things have vanished and it seems the help was involved, but he rehired them instead of hiring new help. this places quite a bit of unnecessary tension around the place because my mother will not go while any of them are there and if they are, she insists they leave. my uncle lives out of state so he isn't much help in many matters unless my mother pesters him to do something by phone or during one of his rare visits.

it's hard to keep focused when you have so much swimming around in your head, even more so when you're predisposed to having problems with maintaining focus. things have been breaking down right and left this year as well. my tv died so i have to use a small old one which means i can't really read anything on it or appreciate any rental in any great detail. i can't really afford a replacement at for the time being, either. my home has flooded some more this year and it got pretty bad. i am still fighting mildew problems and telecommunications problems as a result. i've been repairing computers in hopes i can get them all completely functional so that mine will work as they used to (if not better) and i can sell some others online so that i can get a little money. finding ways to make money has been a pain because it almost always costs money to make money. i was hoping to find ways to get ahead and it seems like i am barely staying afloat, all the while i am still receiving minimal financial assistance from my mother when she is able to afford it. i am lucky as most mothers wouldn't do this. i am trying to make the best use of her financial assistance, which does not always come as the easiest of choices. there are so many distractions and oh so many things to do, and there is always more to do than before. all i can do is keep trying and keep planning and someday i might manage to make things work ok...

yet another year has come to pass...

...and a new one is just taking shape.

not only is it a new year, but it's also the dawn of a new presidential term. we will see how that works out. personally, i'm not holding my breath; no individual alone can save a nation and i think the country maintains a focal point on the presidential position that is perhaps overwhelmingly unfair. i am not in favor of the current man holding this position, but i also don't think he should be scapegoated in the face of overwhelming failure. after all, many factors are involved in civic actions.

aside from the political rigmarole, i'm already seeing changes taking place in my life this year and i hope the momentum continues. i've been studying japanese on my own for a good part of last year and i already am coming to understand words, phrases, and characters. i listen to japanese as much as possible hoping to train my ear to the language. it's a difficult language, but i really would like to be fluent. maybe some dreams can be reached...

my financial situation is starting to look up and if i keep handling things well, then life's unattainable necessities will soon no longer feel like such a burden. this year should bring the onset of financial stability, which is something i have been hoping for all along. all i have to do is play my cards right and mainly be patient. the downside is i didn't want to achieve this as a result of a family member preparing to pass away. because of that, i will be sure to make the best use of these finances since it is thanks to my grandfather that i have them.

speaking of my grandfather, i mentioned we nearly lost him two weeks after my grandmother's passing last year. something similar happened again in december and i am aware his health is such that he may not see this year through, so i have been going to see him during each holiday since thanksgiving in hopes that he will realize he is not alone or forgotten. i wish the rest of my family would do the same, but it hasn't been on everyone's agenda, much to my dismay. i think my family was fortunate to be there when my grandmother passed. I don't think they will have the same fortune when it is my grandfather's turn. hence, i am concerned that he should be reminded how we feel so he has no doubts.

this month i scratched my other cornea and recuperation has been excruciating, yet nowhere near as bad as the first time with the other eye. i think this cements the idea that i won't be making a living as a fine detail artist as once planned. however, i feel that shouldn't probibit me from working on music, teaching, writing or whatever else i wish to set my mind toward doing. even if my eyes get worse and they still aren't surgically correctable, i still want to forge a way for myself following a passion rather than presuming im useless and only good for something such as basket weaving. the other day i heard that man can be destroyed, but cannot be defeated and i am inclined to agree with that. no matter what obstacles cross my path or change the course of my future, i want to find a way to always persist regardless of the odds.

while i'm thinking about it, i want to convert this blog into a central repository via transferring my other blog entries to this blog. i won't be deleting the other blogs, but i think it would be nice if everything could be read from on place rather than navigating to multiple locations. in that way, this blog will truly feature all facets of my life- or at least as much as i choose to post. i may make an effort to retain original post dates to those blogs so as not to create any confusion with what is currently transpiring in my life. i hope you will enjoy those entries as i bring them over bit by bit (it's quite a lot actually).