another blog account bites the dust...

On 2/24/11, I got the following email:

Dear MyBlogLog Customer,

You have been identified as a customer of Yahoo! MyBlogLog. We will officially discontinue Yahoo! MyBlogLog effective May 24, 2011. Your agreement with Yahoo!, to the extent that it applies to the Yahoo! MyBlogLog, will terminate on May 24, 2011.

After May 24, 2011 your credit card will no longer be charged for premium services on MyBlogLog. We will refund you the unused portion of your subscription, if any. The refund will appear as a credit via the billing method we have on file for you. To make sure that your billing information is correct and up to date, visit https://billing.yahoo.com.

Questions?
If you have questions about these changes, please visit the Yahoo! MyBlogLog help pages.

We thank you for being a customer on Yahoo! MyBlogLog.

Sincerely,
The Yahoo! MyBlogLog Team

-----

I was linked to this for various networking reasons though I barely used it directly, however there has come a time to say goodbye to yet another blog, group of online contacts, and a decent networking resource. I enjoyed having it while it was available and enjoyed gaining new acquaintances, too. It seems a shame that Yahoo, has been slowly removing a lot of resources over the years and it gives me pause to wonder if the Microsoft merger had any influence on these actions. Regardless of cause, I am reminded that nothing lasts forever...

digital transition...

I recall this supposed to be taking full effect quite a while ago, but instead it seems a lot of parties have broken the transition into smaller steps which always seems to leave me a step behind. With everything that has been happening to me in the past, it's not much of a surprise that I am not completely ready for it, yet it seems I must catch up to some extent before it's too late. I received notice in the mail from Comcast that March third is my cutoff point to acquire free equipment to fully adapt to the new digital transition. I still have yet to unpack my new tv and hook up various other new equipment to make sure that I have everything I already need. I didn't want to needlessly acquire anything I didn't need. Of course my latest setbacks have been my mother getting sick so frequently this month as well as my root canal, but I am trying to make things ready, including assembling an a/v center and wall mount for my new tv. This also means removing the old tv cabinet that has sat in the same place for about 40 years or so as well as the dead tv within. I look forward to seeing things finished. I have a lot to set up and several consoles I have yet to use and enjoy for the first time. I think this is one change in my life that I can be happy about...

sorry, friends and sorry friends...

Two things have been on my mind lately concerning friendships that I have and no longer have. The first is that maybe I am not always the best friend I can possibly be, but then again who is. We are all only human and make mistakes. The second is that some people cannot maintain a friendship and hurt someone as a result of their choices. As I go on, you will understand how one is different from the other and while one is somewhat forgivable, the other seems less so.

When I make a friend, I will be casual in my attitude because I choose to let myself be comfortable in their presence, while I can also be very polite for other people (who usually are much younger or older than I am) and I will do my best to communicate with them so long as I am not bogged down by depression or whatever. When there are long spaces of time between communication, I try to initiate a conversation whenever I feel good about things and I will apologize for not talking sooner. If someone initiates a conversation with me, then I make sure to reply as quickly as possible; I don't want someone feeling ignored or disliked.

Sometimes life gets wonky and people get even wonkier. Some folks can't handle that, which is fine, but they should say so instead of arbitrarily ignoring messages and so forth; that is rude and hurtful. Some folks may need a little space to deal with things, but they shouldn't just ignore those who try to reach them as that is also rude. When times get hard, leave a metaphorical "out to lunch" sign so that others realize you are not a supreme oxygen thief.

I have not always been the most communicative or stable friend around and I apologize to all my friends for being that way. Hopefully they are the forgiving sort. Some have not, which has in the long run made some good friendships and/or relationships go sour. I do my best when I can and apologize when I haven't. I think it's the fair thing to do. When people don't do that, it is frustrating and annoying. This is a main reason why I employ the three strikes policy. After the third screw-up or failed attempt to make things right, I walk away. I cannot perpetually spend my life subjecting myself to those who ignore or hurt me (and never seek forgiveness). I have to have at least an ounce of pride and protect myself from such behaviors when and where I see fit. Hopefully I have made that choice correctly when I have done as such...

forgotten artifacts...

In the summer before twelfth grade, my grandmother gave to me the remainder of a small bottle of cologne called Canoe by Dana. It had a nice smell and it wasn't getting used anymore so she let me have it. That summer I had to go to Lynchburg College to attend a yearbook seminar hosted by Jostens. It was a rather bad experience for many reasons which I won't bother getting into for now since it is a moot point to my story. The only relevant point being that my lighter ran out of fluid while I was there and I had not brought along more so I used a little of the Canoe to extend my lighter use during the trip. I knew since it had an alcohol content it would basically turn my lighter into an alcohol lamp, which worked well for me. It also smelled very good.
I still wasn't really shaving much and I wasn't dating at all so I otherwise had no use for it so like many things of mine, I put it away for safe keeping and forgot about it. Recently, I was going through a box of things and found the bottle of Canoe I had stowed away years ago. I decided to mix the small remainder with my aftershave, that way I could extend its use for even longer. I can now remember something nice when I use it, which is nice because not all my memories were good.
I like being able to find things like that. I'm sure I have more waiting to be uncovered. Some of them will be bad, but others will be good and I look forward to those.

action resulting from motivation vs. intention...

My mind has been on my previous post as well as the fact that I haven't posted here in over a year. It strikes me so that the thought keep rolling around in my head: I haven't posted in over a year- close to a year and a half, actually. I never intended to let my blog go for so long, but so much has happened since I last discussed my life that this truly did slip way down on my priority list and many times when I thought about posting a new entry, I really had no desire to do so; I just didn't have the emotional energy that I felt I needed to get into deeply personal topics. I certainly wasn't planning on resuming blog entries with a rant, but it ended up happening anyway. At this point, I should talk about what has been happening in all this time and get everything up to date because I actually have set aside things that I did want to eventually share and discuss.
Anyone reading far enough back or who knows me personally will recall that my grandmother passed away in 2008 and my grandfather passed away in 2009. Things are still not fully reconciled, but have been mostly reconciled at this point. There has also been a great emotional and physical drain that accompanied it- both a conscious and subconscious shutting down that I imagine are part of the grieving process as well as depression, from which I already suffer.
At the end of 2009, My laptop died. It was brand new and I was stymied. At this point in time, I still have yet to get it repaired. I have not had what I considered an adequate opportunity to do so. My mother's laptop also foozed out, but repair was an easier process so it has already been repaired as of this past summer. My even newer desktop took a dive recently and while most of everything is ok, there are a few cosmetic damages and it is not economically feasible to get it repaired, which was a major disappointment to me.
Last year welcomed a new lunar year for the tiger, which I was rather psyched about because I was born during the year of the tiger and usually am hopeful of things looking better than usual in the coming year- not that I take it to particularly seriously, but it did give me a little fuel for hope. Well, things did not look up. I got food poisoning on my birthday. It was so bad that I suffered for months afterward, but as bad as my mother, who was ill for eight weeks at the beginning of the year and nearly lost her job as a result of being out for so long.
I also came to the unpleasant realization that I had acute hypertension; my blood pressure was so sky high that I literally thought I was going to die one weekend just before I sought medical help.I'm not much for doctors as I have had very few positive experiences with them and I no longer have medical insurance and have to pay for everything out of my unemployed pocket which already receives no financial aid whatsoever. Therefore, resigning to do this was a big step for me.
Additionally, I ended up having yet another root canal last year and I am already anticipating needing one for this year as well. I have started to lose count, but I think this will be number 11 for me. It seems mt grandmother's dental issues may have been genetic and the torch has now been passed on to me, as it were.
Speaking of medical issues, I also had another session with kidney stones this past year. Eventually I ended up going to the emergency room for help. Based on my descriptions, their tests, and what I eventually passed afterward, it would seem that I passed seven stones inside a two week period. To say the least, I was wiped out for a long time afterward.
I finally found a new doctor that I like who is local to me who genuinely takes an interest in my health and can relate to many of my situations. In the same medical center I have also found specialists who may be able to tend to my various other needs as well as a dentist in the adjoining level below. This gives me a sense of hope that I might be able to get more of my needs tended to, which haven't received treatment in literally years.
With things finally shaping up for my health, I am looking into resuming many old projects I had set aside, such as fixing my car, getting the heating and air conditioning fixed, possibly replacing the water boiler as well, and a lot of other minor tasks because let's face it, my grandparents' house was already old when we moved in and these things all needed tending to anyway. I also have projects for my room including building a bathroom and kitchen in the adjoining area because I would like to make my area more apartment-like and self-sustainable. Also on my list is doing things to resume working in music, including refinishing and upgrading my guitar, a 1965 Fender Musicmaster II. I am saving the older components for posterity. I am trying to keep it as original as possible, wherever it hasn't sustained damages from time and previous users.
This all having been said, I hope to continue the year with more interesting posts to intrigue and amuse. May the year of the rabbit be better than the tiger. So far it has been a rocky start- my mother has been to the emergency room twice two weeks ago for various problems.

it was a month ago today...

...that my grandfather passed away.

i just got back home a couple nights ago and was up 'til all hours. without much surprise i needed a couple days recuperation time on top of getting ill from pushing myself so hard, but i'm getting ahead of myself...

on saturday, august 29th, i went over to see my grandfather for a weekly visit, dinner, and movie (video) as weve been doing for the past several months since my grandmother passed away last year. his health had been deteriorating worse in the last few months with multiple cases of aspiration pneumonia, delirium, and non-coherent speech. in essence we could see he had changed his mind once again and was giving up on life (something he had been deliberating for a while, off and on). unfortunately with his disease (inclusion body myositis), he just couldnt afford to be negative about such things- although he probably had little choice in the matter anyway.

shortly after we arrived, he became clinically unresponsive. he passed away shortly after nine on the following night. we watched him die. hospice was there giving him morphine regularly and everything was done to make hime as physically comfortable as possible and we helplessly sat there and watched him die. it was fairly peaceful for him. it was hard to take and still is from time to time.

we had planned a nice evening and even invited my grandmother's younger brother for a special dinner and a movie. sensing the end coming, we took special consideration to prepare my grandfather's more favorite meals so he could enjoy is last days as best as possible. my mom had even taken to hand-feeding him; he had become so weak. we chose movies that we felt he would enjoy. we ate with him in his bedroom so he could be apart of things virtually from start to finish since he couldn't move anymore. we also tried to get my uncle down more regularly and fortunately he was there when my grandfather passed. things probably couldn't have transpired better than they did in regards to how he passed away and yet my family is heartbroken with sorrow, remorse, and even some regret.

the aftermath was very difficult. we lived in their facility apartment during this past entire month. a lot of things needed to be done and a lawyer did most of it. the rest was left up to us and it was a strain, emotionally and physically. even now there are still a few remaining loose ends, such as canceling various subscriptions and whatnot. we successfully vacated the apartment by the end of the month, but after filling a 10x10 storage unit we still have so much that it was piled on the back porch at home with drop clothes pulled over. so that it can be brought inside in a more accommodating fashion. the lighter side is very little bickering was done over belonings- mostly my mother simply told my uncle he could have whatever he asked for (when he bothered to ask; mostly he just grabbed). since i don't have a home of my own yet i felt i had no place asking for any of the things that i spent more of my life growing around than they had, to which my mother disagreed with that line of thinking saying that i had just as much right if not more so than them as i grew up with all those possessions and dedicated a lot of my life helping them, interrupting things like college, work, and living at home off and on over the years to help both of my grandparents with their various needs. i felt more like a hyena that needs to wait after the lions are through. i didn't want to fight over stuff and i didn't really feel like divvying it up, either.

he was cremated a couple weeks ago as per his wishes. initially he wanted to be buried at sea since he was in the navy, but my grandmother wanted him to be resting with her so that was his concession, however after the way her body was handled/prepared, he decided emphatically that cremation was what he wished for himself. he will be receiving a full military honors service this winter; it was the earliest that could be offered. i feel like a lot of this is far from being over. being the rock of my family has been wearisome so i'm not surprised i became ill as soon as i got home. i hope maybe things can make a turn for the better now, but in all honesty i feel a little sad...

dealing with dead relatives...

Sometimes you know them, sometimes you don't, sometimes you love them, and then again sometimes you don't. Most of my relatives are buried in the same place. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death. It seemed all of a sudden to be too fresh for everyone. It's left me with plenty to chew on since.

My grandfather decided he didn't want to go after all. I think several thought motivated his last minute change of heart. I think my uncle was a little reluctant to go and had lowered expectations as a result. My mother went and had a dramatic reaction that I once again wasn't expecting from her. It was all very non sequitur from my point of view.

I wasn't satisfied with the end of the funeral last year. We were rudely ushered away several times. The tomb stone wasn't ready, The coffin was wrong. My grandmother had been prepared poorly in advance. I wanted to leave a parting gift- a mere token offering, which I couldn't do because nothing was ready and we had to leave. At least I got to do that much this year.

This year, I also took photos of all the grave markers. Both sets of my maternal great grandparents are buried in the same place as is a great uncle and my grandmother. My grandfather will be laid to rest here as well, when his time comes. Setting out some incense and taking a moment to have a few thoughts at each marker was enough for me. Things could have been better. Grass had not yet grown in the time that had passed since my grandmother's burial. I think we were all disconcerted by this fact, but my mother was particularly affected by this. All of her past feelings came rushing back to her. My uncle, who was seeking some sort of final closure, didn't find what he was searching for, either. The stone for her place didn't look right to me; I felt there were aesthetic errors. It also looked way too fresh and clean for my preference. Perhaps "fresh" is an apt word to describe how each of us had unhappily come to terms with the day's excursion. I think everything was just a little too fresh for everyone.

Then we went on to another cemetery where another great uncle of mine has been placed to rest. (I do not say "laid" as he was cremated and no longer had a whole body to lay.) His resting place is beautiful, peaceful, and serene. There is a wonderful calming scent that is both earthy and sweet. My uncle remarked that it smelled like his grandparent's house as a child. There is no stone present but rather a plate in the ground and my great uncle's ashes are in an urn placed under the plate. I think visiting his place last may have been a good way to end the day. I think it calmed everyone down and made them think of better things. Again I took some photos and left more incense.

It was a tiring day and we finished by reconvening at my grandfather's apartment and had dinner together. It stormed badly, just like it did last year and at about the same time as well. It seemed too close for comfort- like it was more than mere coincidence. Who knows? I felt tired and ill because I had exceeded the limits of my current sleeping pattern and I had been more active than I am accustomed to, not to mention I was feeling very motion sick as a result of all the driving around and sitting in the back seat. Not being in a car much anymore has made it worse, but particularly not being the driver is what makes me prone to feel ill like that every time. After a certain point all I wanted to do was get home, but it seemed like time still had to drag on another hour or two.

In conclusion, I think my uncle will eventually develop a sense of closure, but it probably won't transpire as he expects. I think my mother may never really get over my grandmother's death; I think it was just way too traumatic for her. She retains every thing with its corresponding emotion intact. Unfortunately, this causes her prolonged suffering when it comes to negativity in her life. I think my grandfather may never see her/their grave again. There is a chance we won't see it again either until he passes away and then after that I have no idea. Maybe no one will go to visit again. It took my grandmother's death to go this year and last year. Last time I was there was possibly more than two decades ago. With my plans to eventually leave the country, I should try for at least one more time. And with that thought in my head, I am left once again with the thought of how I might die, and what I wish to be done with my body and estate upon my death. Such thoughts are rather sobering...

(repost) goodbye yahoo 360...

Having received word today that Yahoo 360 is finally shutting down, I thought I would pop on over here and see if there was anything lingering that I needed to transfer elsewhere. As things are, I have already reposted these blogs to a central blog I keep for everything now.

http://djsquelchandphaseshifts.blogspot.com/

Any blogging that I might do would go here first before being posted any sub-blog. How ironic I chose to do that for posterity. Also, my most pertinent photos and art are archived on flickr.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/djsquelch/sets/

I have been a Yahoo member since 02/98. A lot has happened over the years and I have blogged so little of it, particularly here. I hope you will take the time to stay with the links I have posted in this entry. These are slices of my life and I hope you enjoy them as they come about. Thank you for sticking with me. Words cannot express my appreciation effectively. Goodbye to all things Yahoo 360 and see you later on the other side...

unexpected tears...

this week, i was told about the passing of an old family friend. i havent seen her in over a decade, most of which she has been in a rest home (which i barely even recall). my family and her family have been next door neighbors since well before i was born. taking into account recent considerable detachment, i wasn't phased initially when i first heard the news (other than realizing it was rather sad). however within a short while, i found myself tearing up while preparing my meal. i had started digging into old memories...

this woman was good friends with my grandmother. she was a sweet lady and indeed the majority of her family and my family were friends with each other. we have seen many things happen to each other over the years- death, marriage, and birth as well as everything in between. even after i was in my twenties, she was still favoring me as if i were one of her own. you could say she was like a grandmother to me and i enjoyed that very much. i wish i had more opportunities to share time with her.

i have lost several friends and family over the years- teachers, distant relatives, and other family friends. for some reason, i think this loss has struck me harder than all the others; perhaps because she was so personally special to me and nothing had a chance to damage any of those memories. i think it is in that last thought that explains why the tears i couldnt find for my grandmother i had found for this lady. last year, i said goodbye to my grandmother; this year to her, and i know my grandfather wont be living much longer either. i am tired of digging out my funeral clothes to say goodbye...

fewer posts often indicate a busy mind...

...or at least it is often what my situation is.

typically, i might have had an entry last month in regards to my birthday and my various insights toward life and whatnot- believe me, there was (and still is) plenty to write about. i could have even even had a post at easter for similar reasons. perhaps because there has been so much transpiring on an emotional level that I just couldn't bring myself to start writing and it's in the advent of seeing so little entered recently that i finally feel compelled to the point of writing.

my birthday passed without a word, literally. i had fought with family enough that nothing happened on that day. no words were exchanged at all. it took mentioning my birthday online for strangers and a few friends and extended family to whom i barely speak to actually comment at all. i'm sure a few were sincere in their wishes, but it irked me that automated reminders weren't enough- i actually had to prompt people via wishing myself a happy birthday. i found out the next day a few presents were waiting for me, but i hadn't been told of this nor was i really in a present opening mood by that point.

because my grandfather's health has been deteriorating rapidly -- especially since my grandmother passed away -- i felt my family should be with him. i've already discussed this concept in previous posts so i won't bother with all the various details, except to say that my mother's ex is an absolute pig and i was dismayed we had to rely on him for transportation and subsequently his presence at our little family event. he got presents and to eat dinner and eat all the leftover meat and was still displeased about being there- not that he had any better offers because he did not. unfortunately, my uncle and cousin were unable to attend due to schedule conflicts, but my uncle said they would be able to come two weeks after that (yes, they will be in town this evening and we will all gather tomorrow for dinner). i would also like to get my great uncle more involved in our family. i think making invitations only on holidays is a back-handed compliment. i would like to see him during other times of the year which have no importance whatsoever. he is a special man to me regardless of his profession or familial relation. i simply enjoy his presence and i feel like i never get to see him enough. i am trying to get him more involved. i don't know how all this will pan out, but i am hoping for the best.

so there you have most of the familial junk going on, but there is more (oh no), but i won't get into it for now (oh phew). what i will mention is that two of my best friends, who quite ironically share the same first name, are both having very difficult times in life right now. one is emotionally unstable to very serious proportions and is having troubles arriving at her goal of marriage. the other is having serious troubles with her marriage and has been emotionally affected by most of her family passing away over the course of the past decade or so. so even their situations are ever so slightly flip-flopped as well. neither one talks to me much anymore, but when they do the alway seem to have a boat load of bad news. it's sad to hear such things from friends. i wish i could help them. as it is i can barely help myself...

maybe i will have something better to offer next time i write. the best i can do now is say that i am still interested in all things japanese and my studies are actually showing results. i have a small investment which isn't doing as much as i would like so i am considering not renewing it into rollover, but rather using some portion of it to advance aspects of my life. at my age, progressing at a snail's pace is an extremely poor option for me and i need to feel some personal growth and development because right now i am feeling very little.

contemplations and speculations...

perhaps it is the winter slump, perhaps it is my grandfather nearing death so soon after my grandmother's passing, or perhaps it is a culmination of things that has left me lethargic, unusually uninteractive, and generally disinterested. that doesn't mean that i have lost all interest in everything, but it has been narrowed to a slightly limited range.

the weather has been crazy, alternating between a chilling gray and a warm blue sky, it's like spring is trying desperately hard to come out, but winter is still clinging to the area. i quickly tire of winter, especially when there isn't any snow. i suppose i'm one of those folks who needs those special yellow-tinted lenses to keep my mood up. however, that isn't all that has been bothering me...
my grandfather's health has been getting progressively worse and my family bickers about it instead of doing something about it. the other day he stopped breathing for a while and it took some effort to get him to resume breathing again. this could happen to him at any time and he doesn't always have someone watching over him. i find it troubling because after personal experience, i know i am not qualified to tend to all his needs. aside from that i have taken my life off-track so many times for my grandparent's needs that it isn't even funny to consider the state i am in these days. few fully understand all this entails. however, that, too, isn't all that has been bothering me...

extenuating circumstances can put a person into a bad place in life. after two back surgeries, surgery on each foot, scratching both corneas, becoming unemployed and not qualifying for unemployment, moving to a place where i cannot walk to a job, nearly totaling my car and slowly repairing it over the last five years, losing a relative, watching the deteriorating health of other relatives, etc. etc., there is very little i am able to do now emotionally, physically, and financially speaking. I was trying to work at home by making music and and as a dj, but critical hardware failure and a most crucial juncture virtually shut down my home business since i cannot afford to repair the damages as of yet. i have adjusted my goals since then in hopes that a pursuit of interests my lead to some future stability. i am referring to learning japanese fluently and doing what is necessary to teach english. this has been giving me hope, but it is not always enough to carry my spirits...

lately i have been trying to train my ear to be more receptive to the japanese language. in addition to my lessons, i have been listening to japanese music, watching anime, reading manga aloud to get my pronunciation accurate, and i have been exposing myself to more japanese culture through my online stumbles and ordering various food products and other merchandise. the packaging has plenty to learn to read and the cuisine itself is a broadening experience. this is something i value if i should end up going to japan as i am hoping to do. i figure every little thing should help...

as i said earlier, this isn't enough to always keep my spirits rejuvenated as there are plenty of other things to enter my mind on a daily basis and weigh me down. i accept the responsibility of this emotional burden, but i wish i had a way of better dealing with many of my situations to leave my daily life feeling a little less... challenged, shall we say.

at this point in my life it seems everything revolves around finances whether i like it or not. food costs money. shelter costs money. transportation costs money. education costs money. clothing costs money. medical and dental needs cost money. there's no escaping it- living costs money, even by the most modest means. if i could secure my financial situation i feel everything else would fall neatly into place. however, that is a mighty big "if." i am still recovering from declaring bankruptcy more than seven years ago. that wasn't when everything started to fall apart, but rather upon hitting rock-bottom and things still continued to get worse in other aspects of my life. just because i am no longer in debt doesn't make things alright. i still have expenses i need to meet and i won't always have poor family members to help me when possible. this weighs heavily on my mind. i want to establish financial security before i find myself looking for a cardboard box as a home. i would like to work from home doing something i like. it should be possible. i really didn't want to sell things, collect debts, and so forth by phone, nor did i want to spend my days copy writing or data processing.

with my 35th birthday coming up this month, i am feeling especially reflective. not having a grasp on living properly as of yet is definitely regurgitated food for thought. unfortunately, answers to problems like this never come easily to me...

candy...

as much as i adore savory foods, i still have a lingering sweet tooth form my childhood. in particular, i still enjoy the things i ate then, but it gets difficult with the passage of time to find some of those things. sure, you can go online to special order many of them or even go to specialty shops, but some things are no longer regularly accessible (which i suppose defines these rarities a "treat" more so than other sweets). ive also discovered geography also plays a part in where you can find things- even within your own country, state, or town.

recently, my mother went out of town for astronomical observation and while she was a away, she happened across a specialty shop dealing in retro merchandise- including candy! it was a great surprise to get a massive bag of goodies full of retro candies including tootsie rolls, unicorn pops, zotz, hard candy sticks, nonpareils, and more. a lot of these candies are associated with fond childhood memories which make them all the more special to me. i love the sensation of nostalgia and when i have something tangibly associative, it gives me a very happy feeling. i even considered pulling out ma camera to photograph some of the packages not knowing when i might see them again, if at all, but i resisted the urge. maybe i might some other time- documenting for posterity isnt such a bad thing after all...

back-words... funeral...

*** i wrote this after 10pm. it was a hell of a day. since my dog, pogo, has separation anxiety due to being weened from his mother much too early and because i think of him as family, it was my choice to bring him along rather than leave him at home. my great uncle conducted the memorial and funeral services. i wasn't allowed in with pogo and i wasn't going to leave him in the car alone. so we stood outside of the chapel while the memorial service was conducted. later we went to the plot where the funeral service itself was conducted. there was no wake; the casket was closed. there was no tombstone present at the time; it wasn't ready yet. afterward some cemetery authorities shooed us away rudely several times. we couldn't even see her lowered into the ground. i had wanted to light incense at her grave, but circumstances didn't allow for it then.
since then, i have slowly eased my way back into doing things. some things still remain. i had been researching buying a new car to replace my current 14 year old car, but that will have to wait even longer. i had also looked into schools to resume and complete education so i could make a career shift/adjustment, but at this point i'm not sure if its time to resume that effort quite yet since i scratched the other cornea this month. i have resumed studying japanese, but i need to study more diligently.
time is no longer on my side for certain things, and yet i still feel like i need more time. i always felt more comfortable about moving on when there is nothing left to leave behind, but it's hard to move on when you are also leaving things behind. what concretely marks a point of separation/moving on, or is there even such a point in every situation? lately i think maybe such a point doesn't always exist and you have to make one for yourself while forging your way. i think maybe that has always been a difficult thing for me to do.

July 25, 2008
funeral...
today was my grandmother's funeral. it was a difficult day for many in different ways. i came home and crashed afterward yet i am still tired... tomorrow my family celebrates my uncle's birthday early before he and my cousin leave town to return home. i should find some time to talk to her since we almost never have that opportunity. next week, i should think about easing my way back into life and routine again. what a long strange trip its been...

back-words... general update on life and such...

*** i could've sworn i posted this somewhere, but at this moment i cant seem to locate it so here's this one...

Entry for November 12, 2008
this is one of the few blogs where i haven't posted anything in a long time, so i figured i was long overdue for providing an update in regards to things that have been transpiring in my life since my last post.

this year has seen many things: another birthday, identity theft, a self-run business slowly rise and quickly fall, admin-level status at a web site, the loss of a family member, communication briefly re-established with other family members, and contemplation of career change accompanied with going back to school again. all this is on top of the daily and other incidental stuff with which i already deal. without a doubt, it's been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride, especially when i take into consideration my past and my future.

my birthday serves as a yearly milestone where i assess how far i've come, what i've accomplished, what i'm currently doing, and what my plans are. it's not so much of a comparison with other people as much as it is a comparison with what i feel i could be doing based on a potential happy medium that i generally try to strive for- nothing too great nor too poor.

as many of you know, last year saw considerable marks in success. i released 10 albums (with a cumulative 15,000+ download result) including a collaborative album which i later remastered as a solo work which i released this year. indeed i have plans for future works, both specifically and generally speaking. after pulling off to work independently, i was accepted to sell my work with apple itunes along with several other companies online. before i was able to send my work to each of these companies, my external hard drive died, which i have described in great detail in a previous post. this put my life at an abrupt standstill. i had no backup plan. if anything, returning to music was my backup plan. due to various medical situations, i've become limited in what i can do so working at home on music seemed like my best option considering my abilities and resources. even though it seems life has other intentions for me, i will not be giving up on this dream and it is my intention to slowly rebuild my way back to where i was before and surpass that milestone.

in the meantime, i'm still limited as to what i can and can't do. time has been slowly healing physical and emotional wounds. i have had time to reconsider life, options, and so forth. an option i've been giving strong consideration to is teaching english as a second and/or foreign language, specifically in japan. why japan? because before i was a live my family had been there while my grandfather was still in the navy and i have grown up seeing all sorts of things attesting to their love of being there and i have been captivated by these relics and on my own experiences found myself gravitating to all things japanese over the course of my life, so it only seemed natural that my first thoughts were of japan. asia, in general, is seeking native-speaking english teachers for all levels of education and they are paying very well and if you get a private job, then the pay is pretty phenomenal. I could really use something that would provide a decent, reliable income. that is something i have never had- its always been decent or reliable, but never both.

so here i am trying my best to become fluent in japanese so that i can go out there and get a job teaching english, but wait- don't i need some sort of experience and educational background in that field before landing such a job? yes, indeed i do. this means completing my existing education so i don't lose all the work i've already done over the course of about 7 years in four colleges. then i need to get an additional degree and perhaps certification as well as work experience before i can even go over there and work. additionally, i will have to perform a massive overseas move as well as getting a home, which will be monumental tasks in of themselves. i've already done all the research into that as well, but i've determined this is something that i want to do and even if it takes me around 7 years to accomplish, i will get it done.

sounds great, but what about the music? that will be sitting on the back burner as little as possible while i am trying to get all these other things accomplished. another goal of the teaching would be to better afford my ability to work on music and probably the repair (if possible) of my external hard drive. if i can get that repaired, then i can get back on track where i was with music sales and continuing further album work, broadcasting, and more. everything i had previously entertained doing in the line of music i still would like to do and i think i can be successful doing that anywhere in the world.

ok, so you mentioned a lot of other stuff happening thats been messing with your abilities... yes, my grandmother passed away this year. her health has been deteriorating for several years now and this year seemed to bring some considerable problems- a broken leg, a heart attack, and then spending her final days in a hospital where she would eventually die. the last medicine the doctors gave her lead to her death. they knew it might do it and my family was informed and for some reason everyone thought it was ok to do. well, she went into a coma, stopped breathing on her own, and after two weeks they finally unplugged her life support and she died a painful, scary death. she was also buried this summer and that was also an ordeal in of itself. i saw relatives i had stopped talking to for quite some time. i saw my grandparents' latest poor choice in assistants there as well. it was not a good day. i chose to bring the dog because he is family and he has emotional problems with being left alone for various reasons. because i had him with me, i was not allowed to go inside for the memorial service which was performed by my great uncle, her brother, how ever i was allowed to attend the burial service as that was outdoors. i miss the person she sometimes was, but not the person she became. her death cemented that things would never be good between us again, much as i had already suspected. in a way i had already said my goodbyes long ago, so the day felt very awkward for me. i think everyone had slightly different feelings on that day and continue to have slightly different feelings. everyone is slightly different now and yet they're still quite the same. things have quieted up between me and my relative once again. everyone is doing what they had been before, the only difference being that my grandmother is no longer part of the picture. it's been hard dealing with things in a way i can't quite describe. i intentionally abandoned certain activities i knew i wouldn't be able to perform during that time and i have resumed most of those activities, such as career and educational research, learning japanese, and a couple of recreational things online, but not everything is back to normal.

i was an active trivia official on a website dedicated to my birth year where i posted on a weekly basis, but now i merely hold the title as i haven't done anything there for months except excuse myself from activity due to family matters. i have resumed recreationally surfing the web and talking to friends online, but i still find myself testier about many things that i used to be more patient about and i've noticed with every major life-affecting event, that i get more and more like this and i don't really care for it. it's something that i try to keep in check, but i can't quite control it 100% of the time, either.

my grandmother's passing hasn't brought much change. my grandfather has seemed to grow more bitter of her, and he continues to tire of life. many of her things have vanished and it seems the help was involved, but he rehired them instead of hiring new help. this places quite a bit of unnecessary tension around the place because my mother will not go while any of them are there and if they are, she insists they leave. my uncle lives out of state so he isn't much help in many matters unless my mother pesters him to do something by phone or during one of his rare visits.

it's hard to keep focused when you have so much swimming around in your head, even more so when you're predisposed to having problems with maintaining focus. things have been breaking down right and left this year as well. my tv died so i have to use a small old one which means i can't really read anything on it or appreciate any rental in any great detail. i can't really afford a replacement at for the time being, either. my home has flooded some more this year and it got pretty bad. i am still fighting mildew problems and telecommunications problems as a result. i've been repairing computers in hopes i can get them all completely functional so that mine will work as they used to (if not better) and i can sell some others online so that i can get a little money. finding ways to make money has been a pain because it almost always costs money to make money. i was hoping to find ways to get ahead and it seems like i am barely staying afloat, all the while i am still receiving minimal financial assistance from my mother when she is able to afford it. i am lucky as most mothers wouldn't do this. i am trying to make the best use of her financial assistance, which does not always come as the easiest of choices. there are so many distractions and oh so many things to do, and there is always more to do than before. all i can do is keep trying and keep planning and someday i might manage to make things work ok...

back-words... coming of age...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008
coming of age...
have you ever thought about the concept of coming of age? most people have and many have gone through some sort of ceremony that recognizes them as an adult, or at least having reached a certain level of maturity. many cultures and religions practice this rite. debutantes, bar/bat mitzvahs, seijin no hi... these are just a few ways young adults are recognized to have come of age.

what about the rest of us who don't undergo some ceremony? does it really matter? would everyone be better off psychologically speaking if they could be recognized ceremonially to have come of age? well, it certainly wouldn't hurt and the chances are that it might improve the results of how many might lead their lives (versus their lives leading them).

i never had any such ceremony other than birthdays, which i never felt were particularly critical to assessing where i was in life- that is, until i reached my mid-twenties and then i started to pay a little more attention to how things were going and what i was accomplishing. when i was 18, i had to sign up for selective service, which meant i became old enough to die for my country if that was what my government decided. however, i was still not yet old enough to legally drink alcohol (in a non-religious setting). in my state, virginia, i was also old enough to legally have consensual sex and vote. so i was a man and yet i still had limitations as to what i could and couldn't do. at 16 i became legally allowed to have a license to operate a motor vehicle, personally i didn't get mine until i was in my mid to late twenties. at 21 i finally could drink alcohol legally and yet it was anticlimactic as i felt like it was long since overdue. all these things together seem to sum up adulthood, as with them comes greater responsibilities, and yet they are broken down into three critical stages that are separated by a great deal of time.

this made me realize that the world had very little regard for my coming of age. as a classmate in high school said, "if i am going to be old enough to die for my country, i would like to have a drink first." it may seem silly to some, but considering that alcohol is undeniably an adult beverage which most children don't even like the flavor, most feel special when they are finally allowed to have their first beer (or other alcoholic beverage).

while growing up, i had jewish friends who went through their rite of passage. in high school, i knew a girl who became a debutante. some families decide to give their kids a small celebration in honor of graduating high school, others give it when they have completed college. some families don't do anything, ever. i never really went through a process that officially declared me as a man religiously or socially. my family celebrated my birthday, but it just felt like any other day, even though i was allowed to have an alcoholic beverage. personally, alcohol never made me feel like an adult and i had tried it on several occasions before. i recognize alcohol to be more ceremonial and social, not a major milestone in my life.

no thing or person ever declared a defining point where i was suddenly a man, or even an adult. i picked up responsibilities, jobs, dealt with difficult issues on my own, but never felt a defining point where i had suddenly come of age. yet somewhere along the line it happened, or did it? sure, legally i meet all of the qualifications, but does that really mean i have come of age? nothing spectacular happened to signify it.

because of various personal issues, a lot of things did not transpire in my life as even i would have anticipated. i never completed college yet i have spent 6-7 years in 4 colleges. i never lived away from home yet i have traveled on my own on several occasions. i do not own or rent my own home as i have spent all my time living with my mother or my grandparents. i am not married as a 5+ year long relationship failed and completely shook my world. i have no children. i am no longer employed due to several problems including depression, scratched cornea with complications, and 2 back surgeries also with complications. not to mention 2 years ago, i moved again and i am still with my mother even though i live on a separate floor in what is still considered my grandparents' house even though they no longer live here. it feels a little like an apartment, but i have no bathroom nor kitchen on my floor, nor can i access the outside from my floor although i have a pretty sweet fireplace next to my bed which i've never had before.

i have no way of affording things on my own financially and have to rely on the sometimes financially available kindness of my mother. i owe her a great deal. in some ways i feel like i am less of an adult now than i was in my twenties since i was more self-sufficient then and fairly dependent now.

i work hard on a dream of becoming a dj and producer. most of my work has never seen any monetary compensation. i have done these things for years and even more earnestly in recent years. i dj on the radio, though usually it is online only. i have a modest discography that has seen substantial popularity via online downloads, yet not a soul has purchased any of them. i had a created a record label which folded after about a year when the hosting company folded and i lacked finances to rebuild something that had no fiscal motion. i would like to resurrect that label again.

so have i come of age? yes, somewhere in time i suppose i did and yet i never realized it. like love, it is hard to define as it is more conceptual than material. imaginably if i had gone through some traditional ceremony to announce my coming of age, i might have felt different psychologically, but that didn't happen and anything past that act is simply speculation, even if signs indicate that does make a difference in a person's life.

in the mean time, i live at home, with family, single, broke, and without regular income from an employer. regardless, i continue to try to make things work on my own in the best way i know how. this year, i turn 34 on march 28th.