back-words... coming of age...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008
coming of age...
have you ever thought about the concept of coming of age? most people have and many have gone through some sort of ceremony that recognizes them as an adult, or at least having reached a certain level of maturity. many cultures and religions practice this rite. debutantes, bar/bat mitzvahs, seijin no hi... these are just a few ways young adults are recognized to have come of age.

what about the rest of us who don't undergo some ceremony? does it really matter? would everyone be better off psychologically speaking if they could be recognized ceremonially to have come of age? well, it certainly wouldn't hurt and the chances are that it might improve the results of how many might lead their lives (versus their lives leading them).

i never had any such ceremony other than birthdays, which i never felt were particularly critical to assessing where i was in life- that is, until i reached my mid-twenties and then i started to pay a little more attention to how things were going and what i was accomplishing. when i was 18, i had to sign up for selective service, which meant i became old enough to die for my country if that was what my government decided. however, i was still not yet old enough to legally drink alcohol (in a non-religious setting). in my state, virginia, i was also old enough to legally have consensual sex and vote. so i was a man and yet i still had limitations as to what i could and couldn't do. at 16 i became legally allowed to have a license to operate a motor vehicle, personally i didn't get mine until i was in my mid to late twenties. at 21 i finally could drink alcohol legally and yet it was anticlimactic as i felt like it was long since overdue. all these things together seem to sum up adulthood, as with them comes greater responsibilities, and yet they are broken down into three critical stages that are separated by a great deal of time.

this made me realize that the world had very little regard for my coming of age. as a classmate in high school said, "if i am going to be old enough to die for my country, i would like to have a drink first." it may seem silly to some, but considering that alcohol is undeniably an adult beverage which most children don't even like the flavor, most feel special when they are finally allowed to have their first beer (or other alcoholic beverage).

while growing up, i had jewish friends who went through their rite of passage. in high school, i knew a girl who became a debutante. some families decide to give their kids a small celebration in honor of graduating high school, others give it when they have completed college. some families don't do anything, ever. i never really went through a process that officially declared me as a man religiously or socially. my family celebrated my birthday, but it just felt like any other day, even though i was allowed to have an alcoholic beverage. personally, alcohol never made me feel like an adult and i had tried it on several occasions before. i recognize alcohol to be more ceremonial and social, not a major milestone in my life.

no thing or person ever declared a defining point where i was suddenly a man, or even an adult. i picked up responsibilities, jobs, dealt with difficult issues on my own, but never felt a defining point where i had suddenly come of age. yet somewhere along the line it happened, or did it? sure, legally i meet all of the qualifications, but does that really mean i have come of age? nothing spectacular happened to signify it.

because of various personal issues, a lot of things did not transpire in my life as even i would have anticipated. i never completed college yet i have spent 6-7 years in 4 colleges. i never lived away from home yet i have traveled on my own on several occasions. i do not own or rent my own home as i have spent all my time living with my mother or my grandparents. i am not married as a 5+ year long relationship failed and completely shook my world. i have no children. i am no longer employed due to several problems including depression, scratched cornea with complications, and 2 back surgeries also with complications. not to mention 2 years ago, i moved again and i am still with my mother even though i live on a separate floor in what is still considered my grandparents' house even though they no longer live here. it feels a little like an apartment, but i have no bathroom nor kitchen on my floor, nor can i access the outside from my floor although i have a pretty sweet fireplace next to my bed which i've never had before.

i have no way of affording things on my own financially and have to rely on the sometimes financially available kindness of my mother. i owe her a great deal. in some ways i feel like i am less of an adult now than i was in my twenties since i was more self-sufficient then and fairly dependent now.

i work hard on a dream of becoming a dj and producer. most of my work has never seen any monetary compensation. i have done these things for years and even more earnestly in recent years. i dj on the radio, though usually it is online only. i have a modest discography that has seen substantial popularity via online downloads, yet not a soul has purchased any of them. i had a created a record label which folded after about a year when the hosting company folded and i lacked finances to rebuild something that had no fiscal motion. i would like to resurrect that label again.

so have i come of age? yes, somewhere in time i suppose i did and yet i never realized it. like love, it is hard to define as it is more conceptual than material. imaginably if i had gone through some traditional ceremony to announce my coming of age, i might have felt different psychologically, but that didn't happen and anything past that act is simply speculation, even if signs indicate that does make a difference in a person's life.

in the mean time, i live at home, with family, single, broke, and without regular income from an employer. regardless, i continue to try to make things work on my own in the best way i know how. this year, i turn 34 on march 28th.

back-words... adulthood put on hold...

Sunday, April 23, 2006
adulthood put on hold...
What defines adulthood? Is it getting a job? Getting your own car? Or is it living on your own? Its none of those, not even the last one. Adulthood is a state of being where an individual is completely dependent on no one else but themselves. Adulthood means making your own decisions, and sticking by them; it means taking fault for mistakes; solving your own problems, without the help of anyone else; organizing your own life; not relying on anyone else, and etc.

More and more young adults, all over the world, find trouble reaching adulthood. More young adults stay at home past the age of 19, which in the 60s and 70s was quite unorthodox. Few years ago, 33% of unmarried men aged 19-34, and 23% of unmarried women that same age, lived at home. The percentage amount rose since then, and it continues to rise.

There are several reasons found for this problem of young adults leaving their home later. The main problem is quite an obvious one; financial instability, which accounts for 80% of the reasons for late home leaving. Today, it is much harder for a young adult to get a prestige job, in which he will get a decent enough income to be able to support himself. But it is doable! However, it is not only the responsibility of the young adult to learn how to handle adulthood, schools play a major role as well. The schools do not prepare the students enough for life after graduation. Some schools do provide help, but it is not enough to teach an individual full independence. More is needed to be done! In some cases, the parents can be blamed. Those parents who pamper a child till he is in his 20s should definitely be blamed, because by taking care of the child for such a long period of time, does not give him enough ability to learn how to do things on his own. Independence should be taught from an early age.

For example, I consider myself fairly independent, and I thank my parents. Although, of course they take care of me and help me when I do require help, they taught, and still do teach me how to be independent, using small tactics. When I was little, and I would trip and fall, my parents would not run up to me and start hugging and kissing me to make me feel better (like so many parents today do). I would eventually stop crying, I would get up on my own, and would continue walking. Then after, they would treat me, comfort me and make me feel better. Thus teaching me a lesson on how to handle situations on my own, and also giving me the comfort and care I deserve.

In some situations, launching plays an important role in reaching adulthood. Launching is basically moving out of the parents nest, and living on your own. However, in a few cases, living on your own does not necessarily mean that you have reached adulthood. Many young adults who live on their own still rely on their parents. They constantly come back, to have their laundry done, to eat and etc. This is another problem, which circulates throughout families around the world.

Yet another issue that families today face, is the return of Boomerang Kids. The Boomerang Kids are young adults who have moved out to live on their own, but then moved back to their parents home for any period of time. This issue is becoming more and more common, as more young adults return home to live with their parents. In 1995, it was estimated that 27% of all Canadian adults between ages 19-35 have returned back to their parents home. Also, 41% of those individuals have returned home more than once. Today the numbers have increased significantly up to 37%. Financial issues are a main reason for this problem as well. There are also other reasons, such as lack of comfort and support. Without the sugar-coating, that basically means that the young adults missed being taken care of by their parents, and couldnt manage doing things on their own.

What I find interesting is how common this problem has become, that it seems almost normal in our society. It appears as if living on your own is like a luxury that only so few individuals can gain. If this was 1960, every single person over the age of 19 who still lived at home would be considered strange and abnormal. Yet today, it doesnt seem like a big deal at all.

Adulthood will just have to wait.

Resources:

Mitchell, Barbara A., Integrating, Theoretical and Methodological Developments in Homeleaving Research. Vancouver: Family Relations, 2000

Goldscheider, Frances K., Goldscheider, Calvin, The Effects of Childhood Family Structure on Leaving and Returning Home. New York: Journal of Marriage and the Family, 1998

Mitchell, Barbara A., Too Close for Comfort? Parental Assessments of Boomerang Kid Living Arrangements. Canada: Canadian Journal of Sociology, 1998

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i think the guy who wrote this was pretty much right on. its interesting to see statistics to back it up, but its more interesting to see it discussed less casually. most ppl say oh its just kids being stupid and they need to get a job and stick with it. some say oh poor things, whatre we going to do- and then do nothing. some ppl bitch about how back in their day things were different... you know what? theyre right- things were different, but not quite in they way they mean, and this guys article illustrates how things are different now. things are very different now. kids are supplied with emotional blankets everywhere they go, even when i was a kid this was happening, but nowhere near as profuse as it is now and the thing is every generation has had disasters. sure the disasters are different, but theyre still there. one cant possibly differentiate a world war from a police action, from columbine style shootings, from world trade center style terrorist tactics, from anything else. these are all terrible events. no one is worse than the other. everyone lost friends and family in each event. the only difference is now everybody is immediately sent to therapy and counseling, which never used to happen. just like this articles author had to get up from falling as a kid, we all need to get up when we fall. its good to have support when we really need it, but we should try to get up on our own first, so we cant try to learn to cope on our own. its good to try to be self reliant and deal with our issues on our own. it makes us stronger, and thats a good thing and not to be forgotten...

coming of age...

have you ever thought about the concept of coming of age? most people have and many have gone through some sort of ceremony that recognizes them as an adult, or at least having reached a certain level of maturity. many cultures and religions practice this rite. debutantes, bar/bat mitzvahs, seijin no hi... these are just a few ways young adults are recognized to have come of age.

what about the rest of us who dont undergo some ceremony? does it really matter? would everyone be better off psychologically speaking if they could be recognized ceremonially to have come of age? well, it certainly wouldnt hurt and the chances are that it might improve the results of how many might lead their lives (versus their lives leading them).

i never had any such ceremony other than birthdays, which i never felt were particularly critical to assessing where i was in life- that is, until i reached my mid-twenties and then i started to pay a little more attention to how things were going and what i was accomplishing. when i was 18, i had to sign up for selective service, which means i became old enough to die for my country if that was what my government decided. however, i was still not yet old enough to legally drink alcohol (in a non-religious setting). in my state, virginia, i was also old enough to legally have consensual sex and vote. so i was a man and yet i still had limitations as to what i could and couldnt do. at 16 i became legally allowed to have a license to operate a motor vehicle, personally i didnt get mine until i was in my mid to late twenties. at 21 i finally could drink alcohol legally and yet it was anticlimactic as i felt like it was long since overdue. all these things together seem to sum up adulthood, as with them comes greater responsibilities, and yet they are broken down into three critical stages that are separated by a great deal of time.

this made me realize that the world had very little regard for my coming of age. as a classmate in high school said, " if i am going to be old enough to die for my country, i would like to have a drink first." it may seem silly to some, but considering that alcohol is undeniably an adult beverage which most children dont even like the flavor, most feel special when they are finally allowed to have their first beer (or other alcoholic beverage).

while growing up, i had jewish friends who went through their rite of passage. in high school, i knew a girl who became a debutante. some families decide to give their kids a small celebration in honor of graduating high school, others give it when they have completed college. some families dont do anything, ever. i never really went through a process that officially declared me as a man religiously or socially. my family celebrated my birthday, but it just felt like any other day, even though i was allowed to have an alcoholic beverage. personally, alcohol never made me feel like an adult and i had tried it on several occasions before. i recognize alcohol to be more ceremonial and social, not a major milestone in my life.

no thing or person ever declared a defining point where i was suddenly a man, or even an adult. i picked up responsibilities, jobs, dealt with difficult issues on my own, but never felt a defining point where i had suddenly come of age. yet somewhere along the line it happened, or did it? sure, legally i meet all of the qualifications, but does that really mean i have come of age? nothing spectacular happened to signify it.

because of various personal issues, a lot of things did not transpire in my life as even i would have anticipated. i never completed college yet i have spent 6-7 years in 4 colleges. i never lived away from home yet i have travelled on my own on several occasions. i do not own or rent my own home as i have spent all my time living with my mother or my grandparents. i am not married as a 5+ year long relationship failed and completely shook my world. i have no children. i am no longer employed due to several problems including depression, scratched cornea with complications, and 2 back surgeries also with complications. not to mention 2 years ago, i moved again and i am still with my mother even though i live on a separate floor in what is still considered my grandparents' house even though they no longer live here. it feels a little like an apartment, but i have no bathroom nor kitchen on my floor, nor can i access the outside from my floor although i have a pretty sweet fireplace next to my bed which ive never had before.

i have no way of affording things on my own financially and have to rely on the sometimes financially available kindness of my mother. i owe her a great deal. in some ways i feel like i am less of an adult now than i was in my twenties since i was more self-sufficient then and fairly dependent now.

i work hard on a dream of becoming a dj and producer. most of my work has never seen any monetary compensation. i have done these things for years and even more earnestly in recent years. i dj on the radio, though usually it is online only. i have a modest discography that has seen substantial popularity via online downloads, yet not a soul has purchased any of them. i had a created a record label which folded after about a year when the hosting company folded and i lacked finances to rebuild something that had no fiscal motion. i would like to resurrect that label again.

so have i come of age? yes, somewhere in time i suppose i did and yet i never realized it. like love, it is hard to define as it is more conceptual than material. imaginably if i had gone through some traditional ceremony to announce my coming of age, i might have felt different psychologically, but that didnt happen and anything past that act is simply speculation, even if signs indicated that does make a difference in a person's life.

in the mean time, i live at home, with family, single, broke, and without regular income from an employer. regardless, i continue to try to make things work on my own in the best way i know how. this year, i turn 34 on march 28th.