Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Thursday, April 23, 2009

fewer posts often indicate a busy mind...

...or at least it is often what my situation is.

typically, i might have had an entry last month in regards to my birthday and my various insights toward life and whatnot- believe me, there was (and still is) plenty to write about. i could have even even had a post at easter for similar reasons. perhaps because there has been so much transpiring on an emotional level that I just couldn't bring myself to start writing and it's in the advent of seeing so little entered recently that i finally feel compelled to the point of writing.

my birthday passed without a word, literally. i had fought with family enough that nothing happened on that day. no words were exchanged at all. it took mentioning my birthday online for strangers and a few friends and extended family to whom i barely speak to actually comment at all. i'm sure a few were sincere in their wishes, but it irked me that automated reminders weren't enough- i actually had to prompt people via wishing myself a happy birthday. i found out the next day a few presents were waiting for me, but i hadn't been told of this nor was i really in a present opening mood by that point.

because my grandfather's health has been deteriorating rapidly -- especially since my grandmother passed away -- i felt my family should be with him. i've already discussed this concept in previous posts so i won't bother with all the various details, except to say that my mother's ex is an absolute pig and i was dismayed we had to rely on him for transportation and subsequently his presence at our little family event. he got presents and to eat dinner and eat all the leftover meat and was still displeased about being there- not that he had any better offers because he did not. unfortunately, my uncle and cousin were unable to attend due to schedule conflicts, but my uncle said they would be able to come two weeks after that (yes, they will be in town this evening and we will all gather tomorrow for dinner). i would also like to get my great uncle more involved in our family. i think making invitations only on holidays is a back-handed compliment. i would like to see him during other times of the year which have no importance whatsoever. he is a special man to me regardless of his profession or familial relation. i simply enjoy his presence and i feel like i never get to see him enough. i am trying to get him more involved. i don't know how all this will pan out, but i am hoping for the best.

so there you have most of the familial junk going on, but there is more (oh no), but i won't get into it for now (oh phew). what i will mention is that two of my best friends, who quite ironically share the same first name, are both having very difficult times in life right now. one is emotionally unstable to very serious proportions and is having troubles arriving at her goal of marriage. the other is having serious troubles with her marriage and has been emotionally affected by most of her family passing away over the course of the past decade or so. so even their situations are ever so slightly flip-flopped as well. neither one talks to me much anymore, but when they do the alway seem to have a boat load of bad news. it's sad to hear such things from friends. i wish i could help them. as it is i can barely help myself...

maybe i will have something better to offer next time i write. the best i can do now is say that i am still interested in all things japanese and my studies are actually showing results. i have a small investment which isn't doing as much as i would like so i am considering not renewing it into rollover, but rather using some portion of it to advance aspects of my life. at my age, progressing at a snail's pace is an extremely poor option for me and i need to feel some personal growth and development because right now i am feeling very little.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

back-words... and you thought you were a Tiger…

May 16th, 2008
and you thought you were a Tiger…

Have you ever been out to eat Chinese food and you see one of those Chinese Zodiac placemats at your seat? It tells you what what your Chinese sign is based on what year you were born. Guess what? The Chinese year is based on the Lunar Cycle, not the Gregorian calendar followed by most civilizations. Therefore, just because you were born in a specific year, 1974 in the case, doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a specific sign, such as a Tiger. Huh???

OK, show of hands- who understands the Chinese Zodiac? and who doesn’t? I’ll explain some things to bring everyone up to speed.

The Chinese Zodiac is a 12 year cycle. Each year of the 12 year cycle is named after one the original 12 animals. The Chinese zodiac refers to a pure calendrical cycle; there are no equivalent constellations like those of the occidental zodiac.

That was pretty simple, right? Sure it was. Now here’s where things get interesting…

The 60-year cycle consists of two separate cycles interacting with each other. The first is the cycle of ten heavenly stems, namely the Five Elements (in order Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water) in their Yin and Yang forms.

The second is the cycle of the twelve Zodiac animal signs (生肖 shēngxiāo) or Earthly Branches . They are in order as follows: the rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep (ram or goat), monkey, rooster, dog, and boar .

This combination of 5 elements × 12 animals creates the 60-year cycle, which always starts with Wood Rat and ends with Water Boar. Since the zodiac animal cycle of 12 is divisible by two, every zodiac sign can also only occur in either Yin or Yang: the dragon is always yang, the snake is always yin, etc.

It’s a little mathematical, but still fairly comprehendable. Now let’s get a bit complicated…

Since the (traditional) Chinese zodiac follows the (lunisolar) Chinese calendar, the switch over date is the Chinese New Year, not January 1 as in the Gregorian calendar. Therefore, a person who was born in January or early February has the sign of the previous year.

Are you scratching your head yet? sort of? not really? Let me explain further…

Feb. 3, 1973 - Jan. 23, 1974 is the year of the Ox (Water).
Jan. 24, 1974 - Feb. 10, 1975 is the year of the Tiger (Wood).

Therefore, my fellow 1974′nians, if you were born between 1/1/74 & 1/23/74, you are an Ox. If you were born between 1/24/74 & 12/31/74, you are a Tiger. Can you dig it? Sure, it’s no sweat! Next time you’re out having Chinese with your friends and/or family you can blow their minds while waiting for your meals.

back-words... general update on life and such...

*** i could've sworn i posted this somewhere, but at this moment i cant seem to locate it so here's this one...

Entry for November 12, 2008
this is one of the few blogs where i haven't posted anything in a long time, so i figured i was long overdue for providing an update in regards to things that have been transpiring in my life since my last post.

this year has seen many things: another birthday, identity theft, a self-run business slowly rise and quickly fall, admin-level status at a web site, the loss of a family member, communication briefly re-established with other family members, and contemplation of career change accompanied with going back to school again. all this is on top of the daily and other incidental stuff with which i already deal. without a doubt, it's been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride, especially when i take into consideration my past and my future.

my birthday serves as a yearly milestone where i assess how far i've come, what i've accomplished, what i'm currently doing, and what my plans are. it's not so much of a comparison with other people as much as it is a comparison with what i feel i could be doing based on a potential happy medium that i generally try to strive for- nothing too great nor too poor.

as many of you know, last year saw considerable marks in success. i released 10 albums (with a cumulative 15,000+ download result) including a collaborative album which i later remastered as a solo work which i released this year. indeed i have plans for future works, both specifically and generally speaking. after pulling off to work independently, i was accepted to sell my work with apple itunes along with several other companies online. before i was able to send my work to each of these companies, my external hard drive died, which i have described in great detail in a previous post. this put my life at an abrupt standstill. i had no backup plan. if anything, returning to music was my backup plan. due to various medical situations, i've become limited in what i can do so working at home on music seemed like my best option considering my abilities and resources. even though it seems life has other intentions for me, i will not be giving up on this dream and it is my intention to slowly rebuild my way back to where i was before and surpass that milestone.

in the meantime, i'm still limited as to what i can and can't do. time has been slowly healing physical and emotional wounds. i have had time to reconsider life, options, and so forth. an option i've been giving strong consideration to is teaching english as a second and/or foreign language, specifically in japan. why japan? because before i was a live my family had been there while my grandfather was still in the navy and i have grown up seeing all sorts of things attesting to their love of being there and i have been captivated by these relics and on my own experiences found myself gravitating to all things japanese over the course of my life, so it only seemed natural that my first thoughts were of japan. asia, in general, is seeking native-speaking english teachers for all levels of education and they are paying very well and if you get a private job, then the pay is pretty phenomenal. I could really use something that would provide a decent, reliable income. that is something i have never had- its always been decent or reliable, but never both.

so here i am trying my best to become fluent in japanese so that i can go out there and get a job teaching english, but wait- don't i need some sort of experience and educational background in that field before landing such a job? yes, indeed i do. this means completing my existing education so i don't lose all the work i've already done over the course of about 7 years in four colleges. then i need to get an additional degree and perhaps certification as well as work experience before i can even go over there and work. additionally, i will have to perform a massive overseas move as well as getting a home, which will be monumental tasks in of themselves. i've already done all the research into that as well, but i've determined this is something that i want to do and even if it takes me around 7 years to accomplish, i will get it done.

sounds great, but what about the music? that will be sitting on the back burner as little as possible while i am trying to get all these other things accomplished. another goal of the teaching would be to better afford my ability to work on music and probably the repair (if possible) of my external hard drive. if i can get that repaired, then i can get back on track where i was with music sales and continuing further album work, broadcasting, and more. everything i had previously entertained doing in the line of music i still would like to do and i think i can be successful doing that anywhere in the world.

ok, so you mentioned a lot of other stuff happening thats been messing with your abilities... yes, my grandmother passed away this year. her health has been deteriorating for several years now and this year seemed to bring some considerable problems- a broken leg, a heart attack, and then spending her final days in a hospital where she would eventually die. the last medicine the doctors gave her lead to her death. they knew it might do it and my family was informed and for some reason everyone thought it was ok to do. well, she went into a coma, stopped breathing on her own, and after two weeks they finally unplugged her life support and she died a painful, scary death. she was also buried this summer and that was also an ordeal in of itself. i saw relatives i had stopped talking to for quite some time. i saw my grandparents' latest poor choice in assistants there as well. it was not a good day. i chose to bring the dog because he is family and he has emotional problems with being left alone for various reasons. because i had him with me, i was not allowed to go inside for the memorial service which was performed by my great uncle, her brother, how ever i was allowed to attend the burial service as that was outdoors. i miss the person she sometimes was, but not the person she became. her death cemented that things would never be good between us again, much as i had already suspected. in a way i had already said my goodbyes long ago, so the day felt very awkward for me. i think everyone had slightly different feelings on that day and continue to have slightly different feelings. everyone is slightly different now and yet they're still quite the same. things have quieted up between me and my relative once again. everyone is doing what they had been before, the only difference being that my grandmother is no longer part of the picture. it's been hard dealing with things in a way i can't quite describe. i intentionally abandoned certain activities i knew i wouldn't be able to perform during that time and i have resumed most of those activities, such as career and educational research, learning japanese, and a couple of recreational things online, but not everything is back to normal.

i was an active trivia official on a website dedicated to my birth year where i posted on a weekly basis, but now i merely hold the title as i haven't done anything there for months except excuse myself from activity due to family matters. i have resumed recreationally surfing the web and talking to friends online, but i still find myself testier about many things that i used to be more patient about and i've noticed with every major life-affecting event, that i get more and more like this and i don't really care for it. it's something that i try to keep in check, but i can't quite control it 100% of the time, either.

my grandmother's passing hasn't brought much change. my grandfather has seemed to grow more bitter of her, and he continues to tire of life. many of her things have vanished and it seems the help was involved, but he rehired them instead of hiring new help. this places quite a bit of unnecessary tension around the place because my mother will not go while any of them are there and if they are, she insists they leave. my uncle lives out of state so he isn't much help in many matters unless my mother pesters him to do something by phone or during one of his rare visits.

it's hard to keep focused when you have so much swimming around in your head, even more so when you're predisposed to having problems with maintaining focus. things have been breaking down right and left this year as well. my tv died so i have to use a small old one which means i can't really read anything on it or appreciate any rental in any great detail. i can't really afford a replacement at for the time being, either. my home has flooded some more this year and it got pretty bad. i am still fighting mildew problems and telecommunications problems as a result. i've been repairing computers in hopes i can get them all completely functional so that mine will work as they used to (if not better) and i can sell some others online so that i can get a little money. finding ways to make money has been a pain because it almost always costs money to make money. i was hoping to find ways to get ahead and it seems like i am barely staying afloat, all the while i am still receiving minimal financial assistance from my mother when she is able to afford it. i am lucky as most mothers wouldn't do this. i am trying to make the best use of her financial assistance, which does not always come as the easiest of choices. there are so many distractions and oh so many things to do, and there is always more to do than before. all i can do is keep trying and keep planning and someday i might manage to make things work ok...

Monday, January 26, 2009

back-words... March 28, 1974...

Saturday, March 26, 2005
March 28, 1974...
ok, so ive got another birthday crawling up on me and i'm turning thirty-one. an aries, a tiger, what have you... a nice guy, my soul is well rounded as i am passionate about art, photography, poetry, literature, and music. i love to analyze and get philosophical. i love to explore and discover. i am as eager to socialize with a close circle of friends as i am to keep to myself. i have found a decent balance and i enjoy who i am... in a superficial world, however, i am constantly reminded that people are measured by what they have to show for themselves... what you possess defines who you are and defines your personal success... hmm, but i do not agree with that line of thinking, and in fact, i feel quite the opposite. i feel that success is measured by personal growth, integrity, happiness, and fulfillment of personal need- none of which is tangible. so i measure success by the intangible, therefore i have nothing to show for myself. yet unavoidably surrounded by superficial people and superficial values, sometimes i get bogged down by such negative vibes and assess myself with guidelines different from what i hold true and important. i cant help it because i want to please everyone, and i want everyone to accept me for who i am and call me "friend." what am i though? what do i have to offer? what do i have to show? i have no financial security, and yet i always manage well with little to no complaints. sure i'd love to have more money, but i dont really need it. emotionally, i am comfortable with who i have become. but does that define me as stable. well life delivers it ups and downs and i roll with the punches to the best of my abilities and some days do get me down, but it's never the end; i always come back for more. i come for more challenges and obstacles to overcome, not for more abuse, hypocrisy, ignorance, arrogance, greed, ego, and all other negativity that people can dish out on others. i am through with that. i will not waste my time and accept such treatment. i don't need anyone's approval. i just want acceptance. i want to be respected, not tolerated. it seems like an easy wish and yet so difficult to fulfill. the harshness of life persistently tests the endurance of humanity. it is up to us to remember kindness in our hearts, to be good to others, and show compassion where it is due. when we pay attention to our intuition, we learn more and regret less. we can grow and feel better about the world we live in for bringing a change for the better to our lives and improving the world around us by touching the lives of those who are close to us in some way, no matter how small. sure i don't have a lot to "show," but i have a lot to give of myself, and i like that. this is who i am, take it or leave it.