so now maybe you see...

 In the last five posts I have briefly described what's been happening for the better half of a decade. This is what been going on in my life and this is what has led to me not posting sooner. I have thought about it several times, but have had such a hard time actually writing about it. I only have  a handful of friends who  also know what I have been going through. A lot of it is so hard to talk about. There has been so much to experience in such a short amount of time and most of it has been nothing but loss to such an extreme... 

There were times when I worried if we really would be homeless; I had wondered if having nowhere to go and losing everything that we had left what would happen- would we kill ourselves. Life can really be scary and incredibly dark sometimes. It's odd to consider the concept of suicide without being suicidal- much like the tales of when an Indian gets too old he leaves his tribe to go die alone... It really leaves on to think: if you have nothing left in life and do have a place to stay, things to do, losing all possessions, no income, no family, then what do you do? What are your options? What can you realistically do? I have contemplated this question many times. Until I have nothing left, I will keep on trying...

The contemplation of life and when it can and/or should end from a practical view reminds me of a similar deep and extended contemplation I had back in 2004 when a very tumultuous relationship I had struggled to maintain for years came crashing to a nerve-racking end, complete with a royal mind game not once, but twice. That time led me to extended contemplation of several issues: what am I willing to tolerate, what should I not tolerate, to what extent should I tolerate something if I am willing to tolerate it, how do I identify my boundaries and limitations, what is my identity, how do I keep in touch with my identity and not allow myself to lose my identity for any reason- including pleasing another, if I lose my identity do I attempt to reclaim it or redefine myself, and how do I define myself, among others. I was so emotionally and spiritually lost in myself that I lost functionality. I had to ponder these things because I was in a quandary like when when I encountered vision problems and could no longer view imagery in fine detail, which was what my academic training was primarily for- it was like, what do I do now that I can't see well anymore. So once again I was in a situation where I felt uncertain of things that felt pretty important to me that I didn't feel like I had the answers to anymore. I like to feel self-sufficient and when I feel a complete lack of control over my life, physical abilities, or whatever, It's pretty unsettling to me. So with everything that has happened lately, I have been in that mode again .