My apologies that the last post was so long, I even left out a lot of details trying to shorten it yet show why I have been inactive for so long. So yes, we live in an extended stay hotel out of town where it’s cheaper while many things have transpired. We lost our home, our belongings, my car, and our health has collectively deteriorated. The psychological impact that is created especially without immediate closure means that we don’t even know officially how much is lost until we unpack the few saved items remaining to see if they’re able to be kept. Not everything is replaceable. Some is decades old, handed through generations. Is your precious thing dead or not? Do you even still have it or not? Can you recall every last thing you have bought or made in the last 40 or more years? What of this can possibly be replaced? What can be afforded on such a limited budget without any new income coming in? These sorts of things keep pounding our heads daily while we struggle to emotionally recover from this hell. Losing so much all at once, yet not knowing what all is permanently gone yet is so very overwhelming. Equally overwhelming are the nearly 1000 images collected, documenting conditions and progress. It leaves me empty, sickened, depressed, and even feeling guilt over this catastrophe. I even feel embarrassed. My mother is disabled and I am her caretaker. Our dog/ her service dog is old and in declining health. I am getting older and my health is declining, too. I want to make her as comfortable and happy as possible and I feel like a failure at what I do, even though she insists on the opposite. I lost the only car I ever had due to disuse and I no longer have income and probably won’t again. I spend my days watching over my mom, being nearby and easily accessible, and doing chores as needed- hopefully without them piling up too much. I feel lost, unaccomplished, and inadequate. I feel like life has taken a permanent change. The last 4 years have amounted to something unthinkable and that was already on top of troublesome circumstances.
What will I do with my life now?
What will I do with this blog?
What will I do?
I have never been good at answering this question. Even as a child I had a variety of answers including uncertainty. As a teen and young adult I still had trouble answering. The passage of time hasn’t made it any easier. And with each hardship, obstacle, or change of path brings even more uncertainty. I think I have come to the point where I will just exist. I will try to keep myself and my mom and dog amused and healthy, try to get all the major things done, and maybe that will be enough. I don’t know about pursuits or interests because circumstances in life have create some rather permanent changes for me over time. I will keep the blog up and post occasionally. Lately it’s been more of a journal than a bulletin board and I am fine with that, however I still would like to post poems, thoughts on products, and announcements about my music- if I am lucky enough to work on that again. Generally speaking, I am not a quitter and carry on til the bitter end. So as long asI can find a worthy purpose, then I will push forward...
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