action resulting from motivation vs. intention...

My mind has been on my previous post as well as the fact that I haven't posted here in over a year. It strikes me so that the thought keep rolling around in my head: I haven't posted in over a year- close to a year and a half, actually. I never intended to let my blog go for so long, but so much has happened since I last discussed my life that this truly did slip way down on my priority list and many times when I thought about posting a new entry, I really had no desire to do so; I just didn't have the emotional energy that I felt I needed to get into deeply personal topics. I certainly wasn't planning on resuming blog entries with a rant, but it ended up happening anyway. At this point, I should talk about what has been happening in all this time and get everything up to date because I actually have set aside things that I did want to eventually share and discuss.
Anyone reading far enough back or who knows me personally will recall that my grandmother passed away in 2008 and my grandfather passed away in 2009. Things are still not fully reconciled, but have been mostly reconciled at this point. There has also been a great emotional and physical drain that accompanied it- both a conscious and subconscious shutting down that I imagine are part of the grieving process as well as depression, from which I already suffer.
At the end of 2009, My laptop died. It was brand new and I was stymied. At this point in time, I still have yet to get it repaired. I have not had what I considered an adequate opportunity to do so. My mother's laptop also foozed out, but repair was an easier process so it has already been repaired as of this past summer. My even newer desktop took a dive recently and while most of everything is ok, there are a few cosmetic damages and it is not economically feasible to get it repaired, which was a major disappointment to me.
Last year welcomed a new lunar year for the tiger, which I was rather psyched about because I was born during the year of the tiger and usually am hopeful of things looking better than usual in the coming year- not that I take it to particularly seriously, but it did give me a little fuel for hope. Well, things did not look up. I got food poisoning on my birthday. It was so bad that I suffered for months afterward, but as bad as my mother, who was ill for eight weeks at the beginning of the year and nearly lost her job as a result of being out for so long.
I also came to the unpleasant realization that I had acute hypertension; my blood pressure was so sky high that I literally thought I was going to die one weekend just before I sought medical help.I'm not much for doctors as I have had very few positive experiences with them and I no longer have medical insurance and have to pay for everything out of my unemployed pocket which already receives no financial aid whatsoever. Therefore, resigning to do this was a big step for me.
Additionally, I ended up having yet another root canal last year and I am already anticipating needing one for this year as well. I have started to lose count, but I think this will be number 11 for me. It seems mt grandmother's dental issues may have been genetic and the torch has now been passed on to me, as it were.
Speaking of medical issues, I also had another session with kidney stones this past year. Eventually I ended up going to the emergency room for help. Based on my descriptions, their tests, and what I eventually passed afterward, it would seem that I passed seven stones inside a two week period. To say the least, I was wiped out for a long time afterward.
I finally found a new doctor that I like who is local to me who genuinely takes an interest in my health and can relate to many of my situations. In the same medical center I have also found specialists who may be able to tend to my various other needs as well as a dentist in the adjoining level below. This gives me a sense of hope that I might be able to get more of my needs tended to, which haven't received treatment in literally years.
With things finally shaping up for my health, I am looking into resuming many old projects I had set aside, such as fixing my car, getting the heating and air conditioning fixed, possibly replacing the water boiler as well, and a lot of other minor tasks because let's face it, my grandparents' house was already old when we moved in and these things all needed tending to anyway. I also have projects for my room including building a bathroom and kitchen in the adjoining area because I would like to make my area more apartment-like and self-sustainable. Also on my list is doing things to resume working in music, including refinishing and upgrading my guitar, a 1965 Fender Musicmaster II. I am saving the older components for posterity. I am trying to keep it as original as possible, wherever it hasn't sustained damages from time and previous users.
This all having been said, I hope to continue the year with more interesting posts to intrigue and amuse. May the year of the rabbit be better than the tiger. So far it has been a rocky start- my mother has been to the emergency room twice two weeks ago for various problems.

back-words... funeral...

*** i wrote this after 10pm. it was a hell of a day. since my dog, pogo, has separation anxiety due to being weened from his mother much too early and because i think of him as family, it was my choice to bring him along rather than leave him at home. my great uncle conducted the memorial and funeral services. i wasn't allowed in with pogo and i wasn't going to leave him in the car alone. so we stood outside of the chapel while the memorial service was conducted. later we went to the plot where the funeral service itself was conducted. there was no wake; the casket was closed. there was no tombstone present at the time; it wasn't ready yet. afterward some cemetery authorities shooed us away rudely several times. we couldn't even see her lowered into the ground. i had wanted to light incense at her grave, but circumstances didn't allow for it then.
since then, i have slowly eased my way back into doing things. some things still remain. i had been researching buying a new car to replace my current 14 year old car, but that will have to wait even longer. i had also looked into schools to resume and complete education so i could make a career shift/adjustment, but at this point i'm not sure if its time to resume that effort quite yet since i scratched the other cornea this month. i have resumed studying japanese, but i need to study more diligently.
time is no longer on my side for certain things, and yet i still feel like i need more time. i always felt more comfortable about moving on when there is nothing left to leave behind, but it's hard to move on when you are also leaving things behind. what concretely marks a point of separation/moving on, or is there even such a point in every situation? lately i think maybe such a point doesn't always exist and you have to make one for yourself while forging your way. i think maybe that has always been a difficult thing for me to do.

July 25, 2008
funeral...
today was my grandmother's funeral. it was a difficult day for many in different ways. i came home and crashed afterward yet i am still tired... tomorrow my family celebrates my uncle's birthday early before he and my cousin leave town to return home. i should find some time to talk to her since we almost never have that opportunity. next week, i should think about easing my way back into life and routine again. what a long strange trip its been...

yet another year has come to pass...

...and a new one is just taking shape.

not only is it a new year, but it's also the dawn of a new presidential term. we will see how that works out. personally, i'm not holding my breath; no individual alone can save a nation and i think the country maintains a focal point on the presidential position that is perhaps overwhelmingly unfair. i am not in favor of the current man holding this position, but i also don't think he should be scapegoated in the face of overwhelming failure. after all, many factors are involved in civic actions.

aside from the political rigmarole, i'm already seeing changes taking place in my life this year and i hope the momentum continues. i've been studying japanese on my own for a good part of last year and i already am coming to understand words, phrases, and characters. i listen to japanese as much as possible hoping to train my ear to the language. it's a difficult language, but i really would like to be fluent. maybe some dreams can be reached...

my financial situation is starting to look up and if i keep handling things well, then life's unattainable necessities will soon no longer feel like such a burden. this year should bring the onset of financial stability, which is something i have been hoping for all along. all i have to do is play my cards right and mainly be patient. the downside is i didn't want to achieve this as a result of a family member preparing to pass away. because of that, i will be sure to make the best use of these finances since it is thanks to my grandfather that i have them.

speaking of my grandfather, i mentioned we nearly lost him two weeks after my grandmother's passing last year. something similar happened again in december and i am aware his health is such that he may not see this year through, so i have been going to see him during each holiday since thanksgiving in hopes that he will realize he is not alone or forgotten. i wish the rest of my family would do the same, but it hasn't been on everyone's agenda, much to my dismay. i think my family was fortunate to be there when my grandmother passed. I don't think they will have the same fortune when it is my grandfather's turn. hence, i am concerned that he should be reminded how we feel so he has no doubts.

this month i scratched my other cornea and recuperation has been excruciating, yet nowhere near as bad as the first time with the other eye. i think this cements the idea that i won't be making a living as a fine detail artist as once planned. however, i feel that shouldn't probibit me from working on music, teaching, writing or whatever else i wish to set my mind toward doing. even if my eyes get worse and they still aren't surgically correctable, i still want to forge a way for myself following a passion rather than presuming im useless and only good for something such as basket weaving. the other day i heard that man can be destroyed, but cannot be defeated and i am inclined to agree with that. no matter what obstacles cross my path or change the course of my future, i want to find a way to always persist regardless of the odds.

while i'm thinking about it, i want to convert this blog into a central repository via transferring my other blog entries to this blog. i won't be deleting the other blogs, but i think it would be nice if everything could be read from on place rather than navigating to multiple locations. in that way, this blog will truly feature all facets of my life- or at least as much as i choose to post. i may make an effort to retain original post dates to those blogs so as not to create any confusion with what is currently transpiring in my life. i hope you will enjoy those entries as i bring them over bit by bit (it's quite a lot actually).